My highest praises to the man on the beat in the middle of the 'Top Model' mayhem!

Dear All

I know that I've not spoken to you for a little while but I would just like to take this opportunity to commend one dear brave soul on his selfless devotion to duty and steadfastness in the face of a crisis. A true man of the people, who's sense of National Unity is so far advanced that he shines like a beacon of 'Keep Calm and Carry On' to us all.

While singing this unsung (until now) heroes praises, I must also put my hands up and admit, for it is possible, that I was wrong and am to blame for this weekends disgraceful scenes in Bletchley at the 'Mesmo's Next Top Model Housewife' casting.

I am of course, referring to Constable Alf Garnett, who single handedly and armed with nothing else other than a set of bicycle clips and 10p for the phone, managed to calm a potentially disastrous situation and bring order to what is normally an orderly High Street.

The full catalogue of terrible events on that day is told in this weeks 'Fraudster', however I would just like to add that even though it later transpired that Mrs Hetty Emersdale wasn't jumping the queue and was in fact going to see Mrs Tattershall outside the Wool Shop, there can be no excuse for tutting of such a nature to break out as would cause the brave Const. Garnett to cycle 5 miles to telephone Const. Graveny for back-up - Especially as Constable Graveny was having his tea at the time.

Neither, can I in any way condone the throwing of baking produce under any circumstances. A scone can be a dangerous object in trained hands and we can all thank the Lord that there we no injuries (other than Mrs Wainwright, who suffered a laddered stocking from Mrs. Fox's umbrella).

I understand that after the crowd had cleared, the debris of this melee took Mr Braggin's boy, Raymond, two or three minutes to clear up with his dust-pan and brush and I can only apologise to them for any inconvenience caused by the to-do.

I have every admiration for the Ladies who ventured out for the casting and their sense of queueing etiquette, however I would caution them in future against taking the matter or the law into their own hands. To this end, both Constables Garnett AND Graveny will be on duty for next weeks casting to ensure proper decorum will be maintained at all times.

On a personal note, I would just also like to commend the Ladies on some quite exceptional Millinery. Good show.

Yours, Lord M.

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