Summer of Unity - Fun for everyone!

Following is a full transcript of Lord Mesmo's announcement of the details for the 'Summer of Unity', as read by Bertram Twist - Minister for Populist Ideas, at yesterdays sell-out Unity Plaza press conference.


Dear All

There come several points in the long life of a Press Baron, Humanitarian, Father of the People and Humble Servant of the Masses that bring him true pleasure. One was of course the founding of the AMC way back in those heady days of the Falklands in 1982, another was my declaration of World Harmony in 2001. There have been several with Miss T'su but maybe this isn't the time or place.

Anyway, this dear friends is just one of those moments. A date that defines who were are and all that we stand for as we strive to build a better world that all our children might sleep safely in their beds. A world of happiness, joy and National Unity.

There are many out there who fear for our sweet world, but not I. I know only how wonderful and lovely all you loving friends can be to each other - And when Commodore Fotheringay H. Bung of the Secret Service, or 'Bungers of Whitehall' as I playfully call him, came to see me a few short weeks ago he was in a state of positive agitation.

"The people will be rioting in the streets" he said, "Unemployment will create dissent and disorder" he cried, "Mayhem and protest on an unheard of scale" he sobbed. Well, my happy people, I turned to dear 'Bungers' and I placed a loving friend's hand on his heaving shoulder and I offered him a crumb of comfort.

Dear friends,do you know what I said to him? Of course not,silly me, as we were in the high security wing of Unity Plaza at the time but I shall tell you, my eager, rapt followers. I said to him, "Bungers my dear, I know these people. They are my children, my family, my flesh and blood. These are not oiks, urchins and n'er-do-well riff-raff... Mere troublemongers or bolsheviks... These are the life-blood of this fair country. The sons of honest toil and daughters of sweet innocence".

"No", I said to him, "We do not need to fear this summer - Despite the hardship, the unemployment, the soaring taxes, the lack of food in the shops or the spiraling house repossessions - These people trust us, they believe in us and what they need is a jolly good knees up and a bit of sing-song to get morale back again".

He looked slightly nonplussed and started to gesticulate wildly, pointing to graphs, maps, charts and copies of 'Mesmobook' conversations printed out in stark black & white. I stopped him with a considerate but firmly raised palm and a gentle shake of my head as I settled back into my honest and humble leather chair.

"Trust in the people", I said "They will know the right thing to do".

And so, here we are dear friends. After three weeks of frenzied planning and many, many late nights of Myself and Miss T'su thrashing through details we humbly present to you... YOUR Summer of Unity.

A three month celebration of everything good and glorious in or beloved land and a chance to gird ourselves for the difficult tasks ahead. To joyfully participate in the preparation of the country's defences against evil and to work hand-in-hand to provide a better, safer, happier world of National Unity for our children.

Details will be published in the press of individual events, however I can give you a little taster of the fun to come.

We kick off the hi-jinks with a smashing free concert, here at Unity Plaza. Thousands of you will throng to hear the latest 80's inspired pop sounds and the wistful harmonic meanderings of Furry Grizzly Fleet Animal Banana Foxy Panda Bear Collective.

Then, it's three months of fun community activities and street parties - Including.

• Family CCTV installations or 'Help-Cam-Raising's' as we call them, where you and your family can sponsor and erect a CCTV camera near your home linked to our National Unity monitoring centre.
• Help a Bobby Catch a Terrorist week, where playful children can run up and down the streets 'tagging' people the family suspect of terrorism or beastliness.
• Ring-a Ring-O' Barbed Wire games, where secure fences and nice safe rolls of barbed wire can be placed around the houses of very important people and selfless, hard-working AMC employees.
• Secure the Neighbourhood Day, where we place a community helper on each street corner to check and make sure that everyone is safe and has the right i.d. papers (oh, what fun we'll have with any hilarious mix-up's).
• Staring at Strangers competitions - Where we sponsor the little ones to stare at strangers in the community until they go away or crumble in their wickedness.
... And finally, a country-wide 'Search for Unity' celebrity TV talent show.

All this culminates with Wicker Man burnings and firework parties up and down the whole country.

My dear, dear friends... What rosy-cheeked fun we'll have this summer with all these activities to keep us busy. Why, with all this to do, who'll have time to think of being grumpy or an enemy of happiness eh? Not that any of you were thinking of that anyway... Dear old Bungers, he's such a 'Worry-Wendy'.

Here's to the summer fun and YOUR Summer of Unity.

Until then, toodle pip!

Marvellous News!

Today sees the publication of our 5-point plan to stimulate the economy called 'Creating an Environment of Prosperity'. It's the culmination of two months-worth of exhaustive work by Sir St. John Stash-Gladwrap and his robust and energetic Head Researcher Miss Stockingtop. All the details can be found in the Illiterate & Fraudster, TODAY!

Also, don't forget to come back later to see the official announcement of the plans for our 'Summer of Unity'. I'll start speaking at Unity Plaza around lunchtime, so as Miss T'su would sarcastically say, expect something around four! Ha, bless her... What a rapier wit. Well, what a rapier anyway & how very dextrous she is with it. Hmmm.

Sorry, where was I? Ah yes, what a fabulous day for News... Read all about it, eh?!

To read the ILLITERATE AND FRAUDSTER Click Here

A little catch up

Dear All

How lovely it is to be back with you after an exhausting week on the News Blimp, monitoring the financial situation, the growing security crisis, planning the 'Summer of Unity' and trying to keep up with the endless 80's revival pop-reunions. However, as I sat by the fire in Unity Plaza last night - Sipping a fine Brandy and hearing the distant wafting sounds of Miss T'su listening to her whip-crack relaxation tapes in the Zen suite - I got to thinking that not only hadn't I spoken to you, the dear sweet loving public in a while but also that I had some lovely news to tell you.

So, gather round, and I'll run through a few events of my tempestuous week in a little Mesmo Memento.

Firstly, I would like to thank Gertrude Creep, Head of Comfort & Safety for her continued vigilance. I know of no other member of the AMC who works so tirelessly to tackle the difficult security issues we face. Of course, I do personally, think the poor woman needs to stop staring at the CCTV images of her back garden for a little while as muttering "They're coming, they're coming" repeatedly under your breath while quaffing jugs of black coffee and rocking backwards and forwards in your chair can be slightly unsettling for the staff but you can't fault her commitment.

You will glad to know that I have personally sent round a case of AMC 'Cucumber cathode cure-all eye soother', so that she might ease out those dark circles from under her eyes. From your letters I could tell that some of you were concerned that she had moved in with pulsating pop punch-bag Rihanna, but I can assure you that it was the net result of 120 hours straight watching the old goggle-box and monitoring Mesmobook for evil baddies in our midst.

In the news, I was touched to see the Obama's 'digging for victory' by turning an area of the White House lawn into a market garden and never one's to miss out on a wizard wheeze, we here at Unity Plaza have taken up the 'grow your own' cudgel with vehemence and have so far turned three inner city play areas into gardens growing herbs and rocket for the AMC staff canteen. In fact, as we speak, the quality of the produce has been so highly commended that we are opening up a wholesale division to supply the upmarket restaurants of Marylebone and Park Avenue. Profits will of course immediately be put to good use and will be added to the burgeoning 'Bank Aid' pot.

Gordon and Alistair have also decided to turn their hands to the soil. I understand from Simeon Leak, the No.10 press secretary that they are planting something a little more in line with their character... At last report they were aiming for complete Lemons and a pair of Prize Plums but I've yet to have that confirmed.

It was also refreshing to see that 'Inky Needles', my ex Batman and occasional late-night limousine driver has been putting himself to good community use by reversing the current sad trend in job losses. 'Fumbles' his chain of Gentlemen's establishments has been overrun recently with applicants for jobs in the 'lounge' area. It seems as well that the quality of applicant has been greatly improved by the current credit crisis and at last count included the daughters of several Company Directors, Society Hostesses and a smattering of ex dot-com millionaires.

Far from being unsuited to the job, it seems that endless pole-dance keep-fit lessons have provided him with a plethora of pre-trained talent and that the successful applicants will require no more than an afternoons 'on the job' training from Mr Needles himself. How it just goes to prove that all those endless Pussycat Dolls pop videos proved a positive influence for the employment credentials of a generation.

Anyway - Back to the good news I promised you... After all, I wouldn't be your dear friend and protector if I didn't leave you with a few good tidings to keep you warm and safe in your beds of an evening.

You'll be delighted to hear that after battering a few unwashed oiks around the ear and sending the ardent Miss Von Frau round to a few management companies, we've finally concluded the line-up for our 'Summer of Unity' concert and plans for the 'Summer of Unity' festival of fun. I shall be announcing the full details on Monday and detailing all the forthcoming bumper family entertainment but in the meantime, you can see following a little peek at the lovely poster designed by 'Severe Fringe' of Hoxton. Copies of this and other promotional material will of course be made available for you school, workplace or office.

One last piece of good news which is guaranteed to be good news, is that I've finally concluded the plan for 'Financial Good News' with Sir St. John Stash-Gladwrap and again, full details will be announced on Monday with a preview available through at least one newspaper over the weekend courtesy of Simeon Leak, the No.10 press secretary.

So, take a look back here on at The Fraudster on Monday to find out all the latest! In the meantime, take very good care of yourselves and keep clear of Gertrude's secure environment.

GorSumm

True Heroes!

Dear Reader

Anyone who reads Candida Upright-Worthy's moving tale of Banker Ridgewell Hawkins in the Guest Column of 'The Fraudster' this week will know what depths of suffering are being wrought by the current crisis.

It is through your fortitude and perceverance that we have so far been able to save these noble family institutions and help people like Ridgewell in their hour of need but - As is so often the case - There is more we need to do to face up to our responsibilities if we are to make it through the maelstrom that still awaits us.

It is to this end that I would like us all to stand up and applaud one group of people who, in the midst of crisis, are marching us from the potential ruins of civilisation toward a brighter tomorrow. A group whose selfless commitment to society is a shining light to all those blighters and n'er-do-wells clogging up the system with their gnashing of teeth.

I refer of course dear reader, to the social elites of our delightful halcyon world - The Park Avenue Promenaders, The Sloane Street shoppers, The Fashion week Fashionista's and yes, even the poor Beleagured Bankers. These hard-pressed and tireless individuals are battling away, in spite of enormous financial pressures, to retain their way of life and keep the wheels of industry turning with their extravagant spending and rampant globe-trotting.

If I may coin a phrase and old acquaintance of mine once used... Never before in the field of retail, was so much owed by so few to so many on so few credit cards.

The single-minded determination of these hardy consumers, from The Paris shows to the Polo season is a joy to behold and how wonderful that so many are flying the flag of economic recovery by ensuring that they are spotted at as many parties as possible in as many outfits as possible. Thankfully, there are countless magazines and websites on hand to document these splendid individuals and it is heartwarming to me that you, my dear, dear friends out there, take so much time out of your day to read about and admire their selfless devotion to society in the pages of the weekly glossies.

These people are just like you and I, only better. So on behalf of everyone, I would like to thank them... My peerless champions of consumerism. You are dazzling bastions of 'Business as Usual' and your flagrant disregard for those who doubt our time-honoured way of doing things is a true example of how to deal with the Enemies of Happiness and National Unity in our midst.

We can only dream to be as wonderful as you, but we can all do our bit by ensuring that we buy something shiny, expensive or glamorous this week. I know that Miss T'su and I will certainly do our bit... Will you prove your National Unity by doing yours?

My highest praises to the man on the beat in the middle of the 'Top Model' mayhem!

Dear All

I know that I've not spoken to you for a little while but I would just like to take this opportunity to commend one dear brave soul on his selfless devotion to duty and steadfastness in the face of a crisis. A true man of the people, who's sense of National Unity is so far advanced that he shines like a beacon of 'Keep Calm and Carry On' to us all.

While singing this unsung (until now) heroes praises, I must also put my hands up and admit, for it is possible, that I was wrong and am to blame for this weekends disgraceful scenes in Bletchley at the 'Mesmo's Next Top Model Housewife' casting.

I am of course, referring to Constable Alf Garnett, who single handedly and armed with nothing else other than a set of bicycle clips and 10p for the phone, managed to calm a potentially disastrous situation and bring order to what is normally an orderly High Street.

The full catalogue of terrible events on that day is told in this weeks 'Fraudster', however I would just like to add that even though it later transpired that Mrs Hetty Emersdale wasn't jumping the queue and was in fact going to see Mrs Tattershall outside the Wool Shop, there can be no excuse for tutting of such a nature to break out as would cause the brave Const. Garnett to cycle 5 miles to telephone Const. Graveny for back-up - Especially as Constable Graveny was having his tea at the time.

Neither, can I in any way condone the throwing of baking produce under any circumstances. A scone can be a dangerous object in trained hands and we can all thank the Lord that there we no injuries (other than Mrs Wainwright, who suffered a laddered stocking from Mrs. Fox's umbrella).

I understand that after the crowd had cleared, the debris of this melee took Mr Braggin's boy, Raymond, two or three minutes to clear up with his dust-pan and brush and I can only apologise to them for any inconvenience caused by the to-do.

I have every admiration for the Ladies who ventured out for the casting and their sense of queueing etiquette, however I would caution them in future against taking the matter or the law into their own hands. To this end, both Constables Garnett AND Graveny will be on duty for next weeks casting to ensure proper decorum will be maintained at all times.

On a personal note, I would just also like to commend the Ladies on some quite exceptional Millinery. Good show.

Yours, Lord M.

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More Enemies in our Midst!

Dear reader,

I know that it seems that I'm coming to you these days with ghastly warnings and plea's for help every two minutes... But I do beg you. Take note of our dear Miss Creep's new words of warning on terrorist activity.

She has singled out the following items as being potential terrorist threats in the wrong hands and so I would urge all of you once again to watch your neighbours, friends, family members and loved ones with an eagle eye and to suspect the enemy in our midst.

Contact Gertrude Creep or the Comfort & Safety Division at the slightest whiff of vanilla, or even if your partner should start taking potential 'practice swings' by carelessly tossing their shoes into the corner of the bedroom at night.

Remember... An enemy of Happiness is an enemy of National Unity and I know I can trust you to tell us as soon as you spot anything - After all, only those with anything to hide eh? And all that!

Toodle Pip!

A brief email from Lord Mesmo in Horsham at the G20 summit.

Dear Miss T'su

Hope all going well with you and that things aren't too quiet in the News Blimp without me! I must say, it was all a bit bloody austere round here on the first day and all the blathering on about recession and wearing dark suits was starting to get me a bit peeved.

I was seriously thinking that the 'gang' had gone a bit soft until, midway through Darling droning on like a broken washing machine, a Champagne cork popped at the back of the hall and Merkel - Who I hadn't spotted slipping away from the table - Popped up out of a cake throwing bundles of Euro and wraps of bugle to the entire throng.

Seems like they'd hatched a surprise party for me and just wanted to see how far I could slump into boredom before I started trying to bag Gordon with Amelia Tweed's 12-Gauge (again).

Still, we have to be a bit careful this time round - These aren't the happy days of yore... Not like that wonderful time with you and I in Seattle eh? Oh, how you flushed with delight after a day out amongst the protesters with your new 5" heels and that signed Sammy Sosa 'Slugger' steel baseball bat... Happy days... Oh, where was I?

Ah yes, we have to be on the lookout this time as we have the 'New Boy's' people in town and what a very serious bunch they are - Not like the old lot. Seems like we have one on our hands that actually wants to get something done this time, but he'll soon learn.

Anyway, Szarkozy came up with a wizard wheeze and every time they came in the room he told them in earnest 'Franglais' that their Lord and Master had just been on the phone and that he sounded "Ze 'opping mad", they'd turn around so fast their heels left a mark on the parquet floor - Leaving us to get on with the real business.

So - We're midway through 'negotiations' about now and I reckon that Germany and Russia are about £10bn down each... Especially after I went all-in on that last hand and called Merkel's bluff and with no more than a pair of three's as well... Ha! At this rate, I reckon we should have the budgets balanced by the end of the week.

Anyway, must dash as Gordon is doing a press conference later and that's always good for a giggle.

Love to all and remember that the armoury is due a polish this Sunday... As if you would forget!

TTFN!

Killing It Up 'Kili' THE CONCLUSION!

Don't forget to check the ENTERTAINMENT section of 'The Fraudster' for the latest and final instalment of Cassandra Thrombosis gripping 'Bank Aid' adventure 'Up Kili' with her team of intrepid celebrities.

Only in The Illiterate and Fraudster TODAY!

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Breaking News!

Dear all

Just had to let you know that after much haggling and a not insignificant amount of 'persuasion' from Miss T'su, we have finally confirmed our headliners for the 'Summer of Unity' concert at Unity Plaza.

Full details will be announced in due course by some blithering media Johnny but in the meantime, I am delighted to confirm that as rumoured, Fuzzy Panda Animal Fleet Grizzly Foxy Banana Bear Collective... Or is that Bear Panda Grizzly Fleet Banana Foxy Foxes Collective? Fleet Panda Oh... Anyway, they're playing.

More bands to be announced along with wonderful entertainment's, fun and all-round happiness. What a splendid day we'll have!

And to think, some misery mongers out there like 'Fothers' Bung of the Intelligence Service warned that this would be a Summer of Unrest... Poppycock... We'll all be too busy humming along to Panda Foxy Grizzly Animal's hypnotising harmonics as they bang on for hour after hour... Well, maybe not me, unfortunately I might have something to do that day, so I might be a bit late, BUT YOU ENJOY!

TOODLE PIP! & more info soon!

Help combat this threat to National Unity!

Dear Readers

Recent events surrounding the unseemly dairy haranguing of Gavin Sachet, my Minister for Beastly Things, has forced us to elevate the current security status surrounding Ministers and important people to the Auburn Level.

As you will be aware, this is just above Sienna but directly below Amber, meaning that it would require a Topaz critical announcement to take the state of alert to a full blown Carnation.

Please read the following information and refer to the GUEST SPEAKER column in the 'Illiterate and Fraudster' for Gertrude Creep's announcement on the current situation and for further information.

Thank you my dear, dear friends.

To read the 'Illiterate and Fraudster' CLICK HERE

A Riotous piece of fun!

Well, Dear Readers

We all know how those lovely people over at 'The Fraudster' love to unearth fun toys for us to buy our kiddywinks in their 'Toy of the Week' feature, and by jove... This week is no exception. They really have found an absolute winner to send little Johnny off to his pals with.

Behold the glory of the Dress-Up Riot Suit... Complete with extra long night stick, body armour & face shield. Yes, what better way to ensure that your child is never suspected by Gertrude Creep of being an enemy of Happiness and Freedom by play-acting the consequences of erring in your National Unity!

Why not pick up one of these wonders for your dearest little ones and let them re-enact the Seattle Riots, or possibly practice crowd suppression tactics with the Cat. "Go on Johnny, get your knee in Tiddles throat"... Marvellous!

Miss T'su has an outfit not dissimilar to this, however she has made some... Ahem, 'amendments' that might not work quite so appropriately on a child's play set - After all, we have to protect their young impressionable minds from corrupting influences... Don't we?

That's all for know, I'm off to see Prof. Panzer at the AMC Weapons and Family Sciences lab - He has some spiffy new Pepper Spray and Spray String he wants to show me for marketing to the under 11's... He calls it 'Lord Mesmo's Giggle & Choke Pepper-String'... Catchy.

TTFN!!!

For more details CLICK HERE!

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A nice tune in the morning

People often ask how the delectable Miss T'su and I while away the hours in the AMC 'News Blimp' while we're monitoring the happy, halcyon world we have created - And while Miss T'su has many diversions, some of them particular to only a small group of people, there is one love that we both share a passion for, and that dear reader, is music.

How delighted we were therefore when we discovered that one of Miss T'su's trusted helpers liked to tickle the old ivories of an evening as amusement back on Terra Firma. Well, we needed no second bidding and the staunch young lady was immediately given free board and lodging on the Corporate dirigible with the sole purpose of playing us a nice tune to get the day started.

This, then dear reader, is how Miss T'su and I like to rouse ourselves in the morning - With this lovely ditty being a particular favourite to get me stirred, ready for a good days work fulfilling my duty to keep you safe and secure at the helm of the good ship AMC.

Take it away Miss T'su's stern young friend...



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The diplomatic incident in Russia - An apology.

On behalf of my idiot Foreign Office staff, I would like to apologise to both Yuri Staunch - The Russian Assistant Prime Minister - And the Russian people for the unfortunate error made on Sir Sidney Gaffe's 'Goodwill' tour of Russia this weekend.

As you may well know, Sir Sidney presented Comrade Staunch with a fine Mesmo Corp 'Happy Hugs' doll, which bears a 'your message here' tee-shirt. Our intention had been to place a message of love and friendship on there, however, thanks to what can only be described as a 'balls up' in our translation department, the message read instead 'Go to Hell you T*ssers'.

I can only assure our fine, lovely Russian friends that this was indeed an error and that no malice or ill-will was intended on our part - And whilst suffering from a complete humour failure - I would like to thank Comrade Staunch for his customary frankness in pointing out the error.

I'm sure that you will all be glad to know that the 'bad turn' and collapse suffered by Sir Sidney just after the mis-translation was revealed, was not of a serious nature and he should be well enough to carry on his duties as soon as he can get himself packed and on a plane back to Unity Plaza.

We will be launching a full investigation as to how an organisation that represents the free world can be so idiotic as to not properly check the correct translation of a gift before giving it to a foreign dignitary at such a crucial moment in world history and with the worlds media watching... But this may take a little time to fathom.

In the meantime, rest assured that we are doing everything in our power to ensure that this does not cause a problem in our new post-post cold war, thawing & slight re-freeze' era relationship with Russia and also, have no fear that Miss T'su is currently holding de-briefing talks with our translation staff in a roomy but rather damp sub-basement at Unity Plaza.

McDonalds 'Go Low'

As regular readers among you may know, I love it when a corporate shows their cuddly public service side and shows how they can be of help to the community. Well, dear reader, that time is upon us again and once again, it's those lovely people at the cultural melting pot of McDonalds who have thrust their hat into the ring.

Yes, they really seem to be serving up the goods under the golden arches just now, and their advertising Johnnies must be popping brain cells on overtime to come up with these delights.

Not content with the Nuggets Groove (see earlier entry), they have now come up with the Happy Meal Cha Cha.

In this carefully thought out gem, the peoples burger chain show their community service skills by helping this sadly middle class family re-discover their 'blackness'... WHY THANK YOU BIG MAC! Thanks to the power of the Cha Cha slide & a sidewards baseball cap, even 'Obamacised' black American families can get back to doing what McDonalds think they do best... Movin', Groovin' & listening to giant 'Old Skool HiFi'.

McDonalds, I take my hat so far off to you that I nearly throw it on the coat-peg across my sizeable marble-clad boardroom at the Unity Plaza offices. This is what corporates get their reputation for, truly showing that they are... If you'll excuse my drop into street parlance... 'Down' with their customers.

Say cheese... Extra cheese and as they say in this ad... "HOW LOW CAN YOU GO?"



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Killing It Up Kili!

Cassandra Thrombis, Head of Group Hug PR tells all from behind the scenes as our team of intrepid celebrities are 'Killing It Up Kili' for Bank Aid!

READ HER FULL STORY IN 'THE FRAUDSTER' GUEST COLUMN, WITH REGULAR UPDATES ALL THROUGH THE NERVE-WRACKING JOURNEY! ONLY AT... WWW.ASTRO-MAN.COM

Oscars special! Slumdog cast to have homes refurbished!

In a touching gesture, the Producers of that heart-warming Oscars smash 'Slumdog Billionaire-wallah' have teamed up with local Mumbai housing co-operatives and the BBC to dramatically improve the housing of some of the films young stars. I, of course will be doing my bit to help, dear reader.

In an attempt to counter claims of exploitation aimed at them by some narrow-minded Johnnies in the media, after the film crew wafted in and out of Mumbai leaving a handful of rupee and several empty minibars, the makers of the massively profitable production will be bringing 'Changing Rooms' to the slums of Mumbai for a 'Celebrity house makeover special'.

I understand that the festooned dandy of interiors, Larry Llewelyn-Bowen has himself been to Jewson to pick out the two new sheets of corrugated iron that they're going to put up and will probably paint them some shocking shade of pink and attach a knob of MDF and a scrunched up piece of kitchen foil to round off the whole shambles - Although I'm sure the young cast members will be delighted.

As an extra touch and to ensure my own name is on the credits, I have dispatched Fleur Largesse of the AMC's Arts funding committee forthwith to personally buy a new washing line from Dalston pound store to contribute.

In the meantime, shareholders will be delighted to know that I have sold the rights of this heart-warming piece of Sunday night wallpaper around the world for a dazzling amount of cash and we will be screening it to co-incide with the films release on DVD. I currently have Ms Largesse & Vouvray Fawn, my art critic, trying to round up some West End producer types to make a musical out of the whole thing to wring out what spare change we can... Who knows, we might even recoup the cost of dry-cleaning Bowen's bloody velvet jacket.

Anyway, that's all for now - Toodle Pip!

The slum area in which the film is based is regarded as one of the worlds poorest and most densley populated areas, with 1 million people living in an area the size of Central Park. Lord Mesmo owns Central Park.

Mesmo Talks Torture and Terror - The Truth!

Dear friends

I am not usually one to respond to tittle-tattle and speculation, in fact I normally despatch Miss T'su to have a word with any blighter doing the tattling and that is generally the end of it. However, there has been so much written of late about the detention of the enemies of happiness and National Unity at our 'Camp Cosy' on the Kent coast - That I thought it was time for me to set the record straight and with total clarity!

As you well remember, before our halcyon world began in 2001, reactionaries, urchins and general n'er-do-well's thronged the streets of our cherished cities spreading tales and promising discontent of the most dastardly nature. Slander against the very things that we hold dearest, lovely things which you and I know well and which need no mention.

In order to preserve those very things I just didn't mention, we decided to act, resulting in the revolutionary 'Comfort & Safety' cctv installation programme in which our beloved Head of Comfort & Safety - Gertrude Creep - Closely monitored the activities of anyone she suspected of not behaving in the spirit of National Unity or of generally 'acting in a funny way'. This extensive programme lead to thousands of anti-social crimes against happiness being detected.

Such was the nature of these crimes (Things such as decent people wouldn't do unless they were told to do so by somebody in authority that had done them or did to those that did the doing and that would have been done unless they had not been stopped from doing them by those that understood the doing was intended to be done, even if it hadn't been done yet, or had only thought of being done) That I was left with no alternative but to act and remove them from your happy midst for the sake of public safety.

This place was Camp Cosy.

While we at the AMC didn't publicly acknowledge the existence of Camp Cosy until last week and/or even confirm or deny the whereabouts of the people contained there, I can confirm categorically that they (whoever they may be) have been constantly cosy there since it's inception.

The facilities are extensive and luxurious and the guests (As they are referred to at all times to make them feel really at home) are very well looked after. Despite stories to the contrary spread by malicious journalists slipped torn notes on pieces of blood-stained and tattered uniform, there are virtually no physical methods used to teach them the error of their ways, with rehabilitation achieved through a series of deep meaningful discussions.

Granted, these discussions sometimes involve the playing of Iron Maiden or High School Musical at stadium volume for 96 hours straight, sometimes bright lights, being hooded or systematically threatened for days on end, sometimes even the occasional removal of perks such as light, air, food and water - but always under the watchful, concerned eye of the diabolical Miss T'su and instruction of Prof. Walter Panzer of the AMC Family Sciences Division.

There is categorically nothing that the Professor would refer to as torture and we should trust his view as, after all, he is an expert and veteran of many torture campaigns since the 1940's. Let us remind ourselves however, that Camp Cosy was established in direct answer to a very real threat to your happiness, comfort and safety... Something which I know that you know, we take very seriously here at the AMC.

And one final thing dear reader, let us also remember that only those doing anything wrong have anything to fear and that couldn't possibly include you as you're a good person with such a developed sense of National Unity*

So, let your children sleep safe in their beds in the knowledge that I am here and that National Unity prevails. Thank you as always for your support, and I'm so glad that I had this chance to put the record straight so unequivocally.

*Subject to status, terms and conditions.

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Later, in 'The Fraudster' EXCLUSIVE!

EXCLUSIVE! In the 'Entertainment' Section of The Fraudster, read Eugenia Muesli-Yoga's round-up of London Fashion week! All the drama, all the stories from backstage at the shows.

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