My favourite OTHER Corporations

All you unwashed layabouts out there like to give us chaps that run the big corporations a hard time of it in general, so in these little moments, I like to draw your attention to the warm fuzzy side of some of our business colossi.

This week, it's the turn of Halliburton to go under the soft focus. Now these chaps really are fellows after my own heart and while I can't help but admire the single-mindedness of their ruthless business model, their website reveals that they're also fluffy kittens at heart - Taking it upon themselves to teach us about their version of sustainability (there's even a fun little flash movie!).

Elsewhere, if you have a look around, there's a touching bit about their annual golf day in which all the execs and suppliers get together to raise money for good causes... And how well they've been going at it too, with an average of just over $230,000 per year going to 55 charities, that's a huge 0.000015% of their annual turnover. Well done chaps!!!

Anyway, read on to find out more about those big-hearted giants at Halliburton say thanks for being trusted with the $18bn contract for Iraq and deals like the $385m dollars for building Department of Homeland Security 'welcoming centres'.

Halliburton, I salute you!

Come here and be hugged by Halliburton


READ ALL THE LATEST NEWS DAILY FROM THE 'ILLITERATE AND FRAUDSTER' ONLY AT ASTRO-MAN.COM

My favourite toy this week! (Apart from the 'ahem', things that Miss T'su bought round the other night, but that's another matter... Hmm)

I like to give you people out there a little pointer for some fabulous things to entertain the kiddywinks with. Personally, I prefer to give them the magnificent AMC K-74 'Widowmaker' assault rifle but I know that some of the more flighty among you blanch at stuff like that, so here's an alternative.

Steering clear of well-designed delights of light weaponry, there's nothing finer than a toy that helps them get to grips with the word of the Lord... Ha ha, no, not me my happy friends! Not that Lord... 'THE' Lord (although I would urge you to take heed of my word too, I would never suppose to step on 'his' toes).

Those Johnnies at that fine publication 'The Fraudster' (see astro-man.com for the latest) run a regular column on their favourite playthings of the moment and have unearthed this little gem. A fine teaching device that will help your young ones - With a little encouragement and maybe missing a few meals - Be fluent with the word of the other Lord. Smashing!

Click on the link below and you too could maybe benefit from a few words to the wise.

Toodle pip & Amen!

Click here to hear the good news!


READ ALL THE LATEST NEWS DAILY FROM THE 'ILLITERATE AND FRAUDSTER' ONLY AT ASTRO-MAN.COM

My 'Summer of Unity'

While some dreary doom-mongers and opponents of National Unity are predicting a summer of unrest and demonstration following the recent media-led downturn in the economy, I Lord Mesmo, have vowed to bring the simple fun back into life and make this a summer of fun with a 'Summer of Unity Spectacular'.

I will be revealing full details soon through this very blog and the Illiterate and Fraudster, but rest-assured that I will be making it a special summer of fun, fun, fun for all your followers of the AMC out there.

Not that I will be concentrating on just having a good time - Although I do like doing that, especially when Miss T'su's ardent assistant Helga Von Frau pops round to the News Blimp with a copy of the Daily Mail and a sack of kittens - Where was I? Oh yes, the "Summer of Unity' is also about getting our sleeves rolled up and exercising our 'Love the Community' muscle!

There will be massive 'Back to work' initiatives and everyone will be able to help take part in extending our 'Comfort & Safety' programme by sponsoring and putting up a cctv camera in an area near you. There will be competitions for putting barbed wire and security fences around the areas that my pals live in, while some of you will even have the chance to join our rapidly expanding 'Local Friendliness' support & security teams!

Now, let's not get too excited just yet and forget about the hard work immediately to hand - But rest-assured dear reader, I am busy thinking of ways to keep you busy and diverted over the coming months and how to make sure you are well and truly taken care of in the event of trouble!

Toodle pip & watch this space for more info as soon as I finish with that sack of kittens.

Pic. 'Local Friendliness' Comfort & Safety teams - Heading to an area near you soon!

READ ALL THE LATEST NEWS DAILY FROM THE 'ILLITERATE AND FRAUDSTER' ONLY AT ASTRO-MAN.COM

God bless Madge!

Good to see in 'The Frauster' this week that Guest Freeloader is justifying her exorbitant expenses claims with a smashing report from the Oscars on my pal Madge.

Putting the curlers and hair-net to one side for the evening, the ex- Mrs Ritchie managed to 'scrub-up' OK, courtesy of several millions of dollars-worth of blagged diamonds. Fantastic! That girl has more gumption than Ronnie Biggs when it comes to sparklers and it was lovely to see her swathed from head to foot in Africa's finest - All in the name of... errr, Madge.

I took a heated call from my Diamond mine foreman Clerk Van Der Stormtrooper or 'The Big Stick' as my workers call him, saying that the chaps in the mines could barely contain themselves as piccies of the dear old material girl flashed out around the world. Nearly had another situation on our hands... But then again, that wouldn't be unusual, the bloody mineworkers are always kicking off about working conditions, getting paid, half of them getting crushed under millions of tons of rock or seeing daylight once a month... or something equally petty.

Still, it's small price to pay (literally) for getting the stones out of the Continent to see them draped over someone like Madonna... It makes all the misery worthwhile. Anyway, where was that phone, I must call the army and get them over to the pit-head.

Toodle-pip!

pic. Madonna and delighted diamond mine workers.

READ ALL THE LATEST NEWS DAILY FROM THE 'ILLITERATE AND FRAUDSTER' ONLY AT ASTRO-MAN.COM

A smiling child gives the world hope... A message directly from Lord Mesmo.

In these days of merciless commercial exploitation and crass advertising, how lovely to see an advert that simply features the joy of a smiling child. A sincere, non-rehearsed, spontaneous, outpouring of love with absolutely no hint of being a blatant attempt to cash in on cuteness.

Of course, the other thing that is ad does is prove, once and for all, is the manual dexterity of a four and a half year-old. This is something that we at AMC have been keen to nurture through our overseas development centres and 'family trade' units. Masterminded by my old friend, the Count Oberon de la Greize.

'Old Greasy' as we call him has been our Minister for Children & Child Development for many years and has ensured that many hundreds of children have become valuable money-earning members of their families by helping contribute to the manufacture of products such as our Behemoth servers.

Some people had doubted whether the products we produced would be of a good enough quality because of the age of the staff, well no more... I only need show them this advert to prove their un-coaxed and genuine abilities with fiddly electronic operations.

Anyway, enough of my rambling. Sit back and enjoy this shameless piece of happiness and consumer marketing for what it really is.



READ ALL THE LATEST NEWS DAILY FROM THE 'ILLITERATE AND FRAUDSTER' ONLY AT ASTRO-MAN.COM

Mesmobook pushes ahead with rights plans

After consultation with several human rights organisations last week, Lord Mesmo was delighted to announce that he will be continuing to look to your comfort and safety by pushing ahead with his Mesmobook rights plans.

Under the scintillating new rules of the incredibly popular social networking site, Lord Mesmo now has rights (for security purposes) to all data uploaded, names addresses, credit card details, passwords and the first born of every couple that meet through the site.

Zack Rad-Coffeeshop, the 'Fraudster' Web-tech analyst and developer of Lord Mesmo's rapidly spreading 'Dim-Sum' micro-blogging service, said that the new developments were merely the next logical step in determining the ownership of the soul on the web.

In his influential blog 'Me from my Backpack' he went on to enthuse about the dedication that Mesmobook had to the common good of all people saying "Lord Mesmo has taken it upon himself to protect us from the evil in our midst, so it is only right that we hand over our complete identity and trust to him."

He went to add however that Lord Mesmo hadn't even needed to seek approval and that he already had the powers to claim contributors souls "It's in the terms and conditions you approve before you sign up, just before the part about bequeathing your life savings".

Lord Mesmo is believed to be in Switzerland, where a mountain is being excavated to house his new generation of Behemoth Servers.

READ ALL THE LATEST NEWS DAILY FROM THE 'ILLITERATE AND FRAUDSTER' ONLY AT ASTRO-MAN.COM

Hopes for anti-photography security bill to be extended

There are hopes that sweeping news laws introduced in the United Kingdom last week making it illegal to photograph a member of the Police or Armed Forces, could be extended worldwide and enhanced to cover their fictional counterparts.

The new law, under Section 76 of the counter terrorism act makes it an offence to gather information on the security services and could be used to prevent snooping and malicious journalists from trying to defame and besmirch the reputation of Lord Mesmo's trusted guardians of the peace.

Revealing the plans to a standing ovation at a packed Unity Plaza press conference, Gertrude Creep - head of the AMC's 'Comfort & Safety' program responded that she was "Open" to the idea of the law being extended to cover the filming of detective and police shows adding that "It might mean that I can go get a cup of coffee without hearing people droning on about last nights episode of The Wire".

Studio bosses were unavailable for comment, however it is believed that Miss Creep, Chief Insp. Elleray Bung and Miss T'su are all in negotiations over AMC approval of next season scripts as a stop-gap measure.

All the news from the London Fashion Week - THIS WEEK in 'The Fraudster'.

Who wore what, who sat where, who slighted who, all this week your scintillating 'Fraudster' will be running thousands of lines of coverage and analysing, re-analysing and going deep, deep into the stories behind the stories at the glitziest fashion week in London this week.

Our teams of reporters, staying at the swankiest hotels in London, will be dancing the night away with the stars to bring you the best London Fashion Week stories.

Fashion correspondent Eugenia Museli-Yoga will be in the front row to lay down the new fashion rules, while Polly Important will be on the red carpet to bring you the drama as it unfolds. Cornelia Gushing our Celebrity Fashion correspondent, completes the 'team on the scene' and gives you the low-down on the hits and misses of what the stars were (or weren't) wearing.

Guest Freeloader rounds up the best of the party action while Pommegranate Chelsea and her constant companion Jemima Cheyne-Walk will be getting shitfaced all week to bring you exclusives from behind the red rope of the VIP area.

It's all for you, all this week at 'The Fraudster', the paper that's easily distracted. Read it now at

www.astro-man.com

Entertainment latest from Pomegranate Chelsea, our 'Girl on the Scene'.

Pomegranate Chelsea, daughter of 70's punk icon Sid Chelsea and Model Tarara Chippendale-Bollinger has been dispatched to the Oscars with her best friend and intrepid co-writer, Jemima Cheyne-Walk. Read their outrageous goings-on every week in 'The Fraudster'.

Pomegranate or 'Pomsea' as her friends call her sent us a deliriously excited email from her Blackberry...

"We're so excited to be out here! It's the most excited we've been since a couple of days ago at the Brits and then since a couple of days before that at New York Fashion week, or a couple of days before that at the Emmy's or a couple of days before that at the Grammy's - But we're really excited anyway and we've been working hard on getting stories for you. Well, maybe not actually doing anything like working because we've been too busy blagging designer dresses and getting shitfaced but that's why we're here. All our mates are out here too, the same as they are for everything we go to but then they're fabulous stars and the children of fabulous stars and should be here, while sadly you're not. They all look glam and wonderful on the red carpets while you wouldn't, so they're actually doing you a great service and it's why they're so special and why you love us and adore us even more. Anyway, we're off - Toby Junkie is having a party, so we're off to look good at that. Then we're straight back in First Class for London Fashion Week. You can read all about it later. Laters!

The Illiterate and Fraudster, only at

www.astro-man.com

Brit awards hailed as 'Best yet'

As the dust settles on this years Brit awards, the annual 'romp' for the British music industry has been hailed as the 'Best Brits yet' by industry insiders.

As crowds waited to cheer a succession of soap stars and tabloid celebrities arriving for the free buffet and cocaine give-away, they were amazed to see several musicians and singers turn up.

Music correspondent Buster Bumpengrind said that this was a major factor in making this years Brits so different from previous years, explaining "Having musicians at a music event is a pretty radical step for the Brits",adding "After all, this is a highly prestigious event with resonance as far away as Jersey and the Isle of Man".

With gongs on offer for dozens of categories it was Duffy, from the soul music heartland of Bangor that grabbed the headlines, however it was the people that were the real winners as always, as they voted in their thousands to finally give Girls Aloud the recognition they richly deserve.

A source close to the girls confided in Buster later that evening at their recession-busting party at Claridges, saying that they felt it was only right that their talent had finally been rewarded, especially as they had contributed creatively to several of their songs along the way.

Lord Mesmo was unable to attend the Brits but had sent his driver Private 'Inky' Needles to help out with the after-show 'refreshments'.

All the news from the Oscars - THIS WEEK in 'The Fraudster'.

Who won what, who wore what, who slighted who, all this week your scintillating 'Fraudster' will be running thousands of lines of coverage and analysing, re-analysing and going deep, deep into the stories behind the stories at the glitziest event in the Universe this weekend.

Our teams of reporters, staying at the swankiest hotels in LA, will be dancing the night away with the stars to bring you the best Oscars stories.

From Polly Important who will be on the red carpet to bring you the drama as it unfolds to Cornelia Gushing our Celebrity Fashion correspondent, giving you the low-down on the hits and misses of what the stars were (or weren't) wearing.

Guest Freeloader rounds up the best of the party action while Pomegranate ChelseA and her constant companion Jemima Cheyne-Walk will be getting shitfaced all week to bring you exclusives from behind the red rope of the VIP area.

It's all for you, all this week at 'The Fraudster', the paper that's easily distracted. Read it now at

www.astro-man.com

Former Intelligence leaders claims poo-pooed by real experts

Senior security service figures closed ranks last week against the 'Ramblings of a madwoman' by lampooning claims by ex MI5 Head, Stella Rimington that governments are exploiting the fear of terrorism to push through intrusive laws and destroy civil liberties.

In a rare interview, Commodore H. Fotheringay Bung, Head of the AMC Intelligence service described the accusations as "Balderdash" adding, 'The security services are merely...", before breaking off to scream "LOOK OUT, BEHIND YOU!!!!".

When he recovered his demeanour, Cdre Bung, wiping a little sweat from his top lip continued, "The security services are there for the protection of everyone and are merely monitoring the world situation with a view to... OH MY GOD, LOOK OUT, WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!"

From under the table, the Commodore concluded that everyone should "Rest assured that the AMC are doing everything they can to save the world from impending doom" and that while people shouldn't be worried unduly, "They shouldn't be surprised if their children are killed in their beds because of a lack of information on potential threats".

Miss T'su is currently helping Miss Rimington dig a big hole in her back garden and fill it with black plastic sheeting.

Obama's in tense fashion rearguard action.

Following harsh criticism of Michelle Obama's inauguration day wardrobe by influential experts at the fashion glossies (reported FIRST, here on the Fraudster), the Whitehouse has acted swiftly to restore confidence among the fashionista's and hopefully head off a damaging drop in popularity among the lunch wives of the Hamptons.

The huge aid package has seen experts from Vogue drafted in to re-build the wardrobe of the First Lady from the ground up in what is becoming known as the 'New Shoes Deal'.

Ike Tumbleweed III, US envoy for Transatlantic Cultural Relations said to the 'Fraudster' today that the drastic action had been taken to "Restore confidence in the markets and enable us to push through our extensive program of reforms", adding that "One more negative fashion headline in Grazia and it could have been farewell to a second term".

Lord Mesmo's delectable assistant, Miss T'su is thought to be currently negotiating with 'Sporting Life' for a 16-page Lord Mesmo fashion special.

Satellite collision, no cause for alarm unless Iran involved

As the debris from this weeks 'entirely according to plan' collision between an American and Russian satellite spreads inexorably across space to harmlessly bump into some of the other 17,000 man-made objects orbiting the planet, experts have again raised the question of Iran's 'Evil' satellite launch.

Renowned space & science expert Prof. Walter Panzer of the AMC laughed off the possibility of further collisions, now correctly referred to as 'friendly mis-planned mid-space meetings', unless that is, the satellite launched by Iran last week had 'Evil intentions' to collide with otherwise happy AMC satellites.

He clarified the AMC position further in a press conference at Unity plaza saying, "In the unlikely event that more of our 17,000 satellites circling the earth in a ring of uranium, iridium, steel, and explosive fuel should have mid-space meetings, then there is little truth in the theory that it could set off a chain reaction similar to a crash on a motorway in the fog".

He added a cautionary note however, by stating that "We have no idea what the actual plan for the Iranian launch is, but that it will 'undoubtedly be used for evil'".

Lord Mesmo was monitoring the situation further from the AMC's 'Big Ear' DeathStar.

Recession bites into world of Couture, Fashionista's distraught.

The fashion roadshow rumbled on to New York last week, however insiders say that the world credit crisis is showing signs of leaving its mark on even the glittering world of couture.

Eugenia Muesli-Yoga, fashion correspondent for the 'Fraudster' has been following the shows through their bi-annual world tour and has noticed the more austere mood at the key functions and parties.

"Only last week, we attended a seminar in Paris on how fashion could contribute to the plight of the 53 million people trapped in world poverty and the Champagne was non-vintage".

She went further to add that even the hotels in which the hundreds of travelling reporters, models and glitterati were staying had been forced to cut costs, noting that "There was no doubt whatsoever, that the towels in the $7,300 per night 'Belle Etiole Suite' of the Meurice were only changed three times a day instead of four and that they were not made of hand woven Egyptian cotton."

Ms Muesli-Yoga is currently staying at the Plaza overlooking Central Park. She has an Am-Ex 'Red' card.


Pic. Ms Muesli-Yoga in Montmatre. She was there, you weren't.

Gabriel in Oscars integrity stand-off

Peter Gabriel has staged a protest for artistic integrity against the organisers of the 2009 Oscars by threatening to pull out of the ceremony if they carry out their threat to cut the performance of his nominated song to just 65 seconds.

The artistically inspired campaigner and former member of Genesis, is outraged at the proposed cut and is reported to be concerned that it undermines the integrity of his song from Wall•e, the animated blockbuster.

Sources close to the Oscars organisation are reporting that the committee are in turmoil at the potential loss of such a dramatic moment, adding that "Not hearing Peter sing while film plays of that little robot fella sweeping up could ruin the gravitas of whole ceremony".

Lord Mesmo is reported to be monitoring the situation and has reportedly offered archive footage of Tommy Steele singing "Little White Bull" if no compromise is found.

TOY OF THE WEEK!

Yes folks, It's our regular look at the toy world and it's latest spiffy products. This week, it's time to get your kiddies saving up for a Playmobil SWAT team. Teach them how to track crack running perp's in the middle of the night and bust out hostages with only minor collateral damage and acceptable casualties. Terrorists, agitators and enemies of happiness sold separately. Smashing.

Click Here

EXCLUSIVE! Nicole Gives!

Star puts money in 'Bank Aid' collection box

In a dramatic 'Illiterate and Fraudster' exclusive, we were witness to yet another piece of selfless largesse by Nicole Wallaby, the Australian multi, multi-millionaire actress as our camera's caught her stealthily leaving a secret donation in a 'Bank Aid' collection box near Threadneedle Street, London.

The action, witnessed by merely 2,700 of the worlds press reporters and photographers who had assembled outside the collection box following a press release issued in 36 languages, is just the latest in a stream of secret donations made to Lord Mesmo's burgeoning relief fund by International celebrities.

Lord Mesmo was said to be moved to tears, stating that "It's wonderful, how in times of the greatest despair this select group of people can be relied upon to bring the attention of the world to the thing closest to their hearts"... He was only able to add a croaking "God bless you" as he turned away from the cameras of the world in tears.

Expect more heart wrenching selflessness at the forthcoming "Bank Aid" Telethon.

Great News! The World Just Got Safer!

In answer to your continued urging for a safer society, Lord Mesmo this week announced the latest vital weapon in the 'War against enemies of the people and happiness' by unveiling a massive new travel observation centre in Wythenshawe, near Manchester, England.

The centre, staffed with 300 Police and Immigration Officers will hold the travel records of every one of the 60 million inhabitants of Britain, as well as monitoring their credit card use and phone traffic while abroad.

Getrude Creep, Head of the AMC's 'Comfort & Safety' division gushed with enthusiasm for the project, which will build a complete profile of every person in the UK, storing information for over 10 years "Just in case they get up to anything naughty".

"It's a fantastic piece of equipment" she went on to explain "Which can detect, at the push of a button, excessive or irrational duty free purchasing for products such as Britney Spears new fragrance, people on a diet buying Giant Toblerone or even match text records of New Years resolutions against bulk pack cigarette purchases" before adding with a smile "This system will provide the AMC with saleable marketing data for generations to come".

It is not thought that the system will be able to detect terrorist activity but will at least be able to clarify if they had bought a gift pack of Brut 33 at any time before carrying out their dastardly act.

Lt. Augustine Bung, Head of Lord Mesmo's Secret Service denied that he existed and so was unavailable for comment.

Corporate Responsibility Corner

In the latest of our regular features, Coca-Cola teach us all about sustainability.


Click Here

TERRORIST ALERT!

Do you have a friend that owns one of these? If yes, please be vigilant as they are known to be used by terrorists. If You have a friend who owns, and regularly uses one of these then please watch their activities carefully and report them if they lock themselves away with it repeatedly for any stretch of time.

Remember, YOU are the greatest weapon against terrorism, so be alert and report any suspicious activity, strangers in your area or anyone you just don't like the look of.

Lord Mesmo announces 'Angel of the South' winner!

The Arts world let slip a little squeal of delight this week when Lord Mesmo announced the winner of the hotly contested competition to erect a giant statue at Ebbsfleet, which would 'welcome' EuroStar visitors to Britain.

The winner of the project dubbed 'The Angel of the South' had been kept a closely guarded secret, media experts having controversial artists Albert Mockney and Sophie Ellis-Guttersnipe neck and neck going into the announcement by our Lord and mentor.

Lord Mesmo said at the official unveiling "We wanted something that would really sum up the spirit of what coming to Britain was like, something that would inspire our visitors and extend to them the hand of welcome from all the British people."

Pulling back the curtains on the scale model of the winner, Mr Mockney's 50ft high CCTV Camera, Lord Mesmo added "In this, I think we have found the true spirit of Britain and, I would venture to add, a little taster of things to come".

Miss Guttersnipe was said to be devastated that her 50ft high 'Rolled copy of the Daily Mail hitting an immigrant' hadn't won, but was delighted at least to have made the final selection.

Fleur Largesse, Chairperson of the AMC arts fund was unavailable for comment as she was sobbing with joy at the feet of Mr Mockney.

Lord Mesmo declares National Day of Girls Aloud!

Girls Aloud continue - Lord Mesmo declares national celebration!

Lord Mesmo today declared that next years Trafalgar Day will be renamed as 'Cheryl day' in recognition of the decision by Girls Aloud to make three more studio albums.

The collections of songs written by other people based on other songs written by other people and containing samples from songs recorded by other people, will be recorded by the talent-show winning girl group over a period of days in a top-secret studio.

The sincere and popular fivesome will then back up the release of each volume with National tours, TV specials, adverts for budget supermarkets, TV specials, photo shoots for Grazia, TV specials, dramatic true-life drama's, TV specials and TV specials.

Lord Mesmo is beside himself with joy, while Miss T'su is said to be buying a noise reduction i-pod and has destroyed her TV set.

Thank You! Mesmo

Friends of Lord Mesmo have taken to the streets with wallpaper adhesive and a message of support for our beloved leader!

World watches worried while Iran launch evil satellite

The world watched on horrified this week as Iran launched the first of what will probably be many evil satellites into space. The so-called 'communications device', which differs markedly from those launched by MesmoCorp in that it was carried out in flagrant breach of copyright, will - According to most experts - "Undoubtedly be used for evil".

This launch adds to the growing list of concerns about technological advances in the region, along with developments in medicine, education and Society, all of which again - According to our experts - Will "Undoubtedly be used for evil".

Professor Walter Panzer of the AMC Weapons & Family Sciences division said "This is of great concern for us. Any launch by Iran must automatically be assumed to be intended for evil, whereas all our satellite launches at Unity Plaza are solely for the purpose of painting smiley faces on the moon and bringing happiness to children."

Lord Mesmo is believed to be monitoring the situation via the AMC's 'Big Ear' DeathStar, currently orbiting the earth.

Storm in a Bishop's Mitre.

There were 'Cardinal Red' faces in the clergy this week as God-denying bishop Ruprecht Von Scharnhorst was appointed to the papal committee on boys clubs and family entertainment by the Pope.

His detractors immediately pointed to the fact that he has repeatedly stated that "I don't actually believe in god per se but that I was always grateful at having had the support of Rome for those many difficult years after my hurried departure from my homeland".

The Pope has refused to make a statement on the appointment, made further complicated by the bishops previous friendship with the papal deity in a certain youth organisation in Germany in the 1940's, however insiders in the Vatican have revealed that the holy one is known to favour forgiveness if the bishop "Doesn't talk too much about it in public".

Lord Mesmo was unavailable for comment, however, Miss T'su's ardent assistant Miss Helga Von Frau publicly stated that her Uncle Ruprecht was a very committed man and that she had frequently heard him crying out the name of our Lord late at night in the leather district of Hamburg.

EXCLUSIVE! Financial Meltdown, press responsible!

Press being herded into a Police line-up to accept responsibility


After the release of confidential documents this week conclusively proved that the world economic crisis was caused by the worlds media and not billionaire property and currency speculators in the banking industry, Lord Mesmo has acted swiftly to attempt to restore confidence in the flagging markets by banning financial bad news.

His financial spokesperson and head of the AMC's treasury division Lord St. John (pron. 'Sinjoen') Stash-Gladwrap said during an exclusive interview with 'The Fraudster', that figures had clearly shown that the world markets fell directly AFTER the worlds press had reported that the majority of the world's banks were teetering on the brink of the abyss and that their Directors had fled in Private helicopters to a secret location in Switzerland.

This to him was "Proof conclusive" if it were needed of the press' liability for the economic armageddon that followed.

He further added that in new guidelines about to be published, Lord Mesmo will close this loophole forever by making reporting bad financial news a "Crime against happiness and the people" and going on to promise that those "Evil wrongdoers and financial terrorists" in the media that had caused the cataclysm would be pursued to the utmost of the soon to be established laws.

Miss T'su is thought to be on standby with a Transit Van, a roll of duct tape and a sack to pick up the offending perpetrators.

Financial irresponsibility - Let's sort out the Evil-Doers in our midst!

Once again, dear reader, we find ourselves mulling over the ashes of another weeks bank statements and digging holes in the garden to bury Aunties silver candelabra.

It is about now - As the bailiffs carry your furniture up the garden path and the trauma sets in of seeing your family sitting on tea-crates full of goods only left because they wouldn't raise a plug nickel on e-bay - That you search for an answer to this tragedy and to look to who is to blame.

You will feel anger and while I feel your pain as surely as each of you are my children (and indeed some of you actually are) - I urge you... To go with it and hunt out the ringleaders of this farrago... Someone is to blame and there must be blood! I Lord Mesmo, am your friend to the bitter end and know this, that I will not rest until the perpetrators of this evil act of financial terrorism are bought to book!

Only this week, my trusted friend and financial adviser Sir St. John (pron. Sinjoen) Stash-Gladwrap presented me with incontrovertible evidence that pointed the finger at the ringleaders and exposed their duplicity. Yes dear reader, You are correct... It was the financial press that was to blame!

St. John's dossier clearly showed that the very day after the worlds media broke the story that the nice banking people were cowering under their desks in horror at the balance sheets, the worlds stock markets fell like a bunch of English cricketers on a sticky wicket.

Well, you can rest assured that I will not stand for such irresponsibility and say never again! It is in your best interests therefore that I will be putting new laws into motion this day banning OUTRIGHT the reporting of bad financial news. I further state, that those in the media responsible will be hunted down for their crimes against happiness and the people and will be handed over to the delectable Miss T'su for... Correction.

In the meantime, I think we all owe the banks a big sorry for suspecting them in the first place and as a mark of your gratitude I will be releasing a further 500 Billion in reserves to cover their end of year bonuses and the winter ski season.

Happy days coming soon!

With love,

Lord Mesmo.

Dictated from the AMC media blimp currently hovering over 'Party town' Zurich.

Springsteen has cake, eats it & gets extra helping… Lord Mesmo applauds!

Bruce Springsteen was lauded by Lord Mesmo this week as ‘Most likely to be on the top of my Mesmo-gala list’, after an audacious double-bluff switcheroo.

In a classic piece of magicians misdirection, the ‘People’s rocker’ first sold the exclusive rights to his new ‘Greatest Hits’ album to renowned equal-opportunities and union-friendly employer Wal-Mart, before currying favour with his loyal masses by rounding on ticket touts who try to 'exploit' them.

During his review of the week, Lord Mesmo said, “My dear boy, I stand and applaud you before you’ve even sung a note”, adding “Even I wouldn’t have had the audacity to try a feat as devious as this… It’s simply marvellous”.

Lord Mesmo has since offered Mr Springsteen a place on the board of ‘Group Hug’, his London and Los Angeles based PR and good news division.