A little catch up

Dear All

How lovely it is to be back with you after an exhausting week on the News Blimp, monitoring the financial situation, the growing security crisis, planning the 'Summer of Unity' and trying to keep up with the endless 80's revival pop-reunions. However, as I sat by the fire in Unity Plaza last night - Sipping a fine Brandy and hearing the distant wafting sounds of Miss T'su listening to her whip-crack relaxation tapes in the Zen suite - I got to thinking that not only hadn't I spoken to you, the dear sweet loving public in a while but also that I had some lovely news to tell you.

So, gather round, and I'll run through a few events of my tempestuous week in a little Mesmo Memento.

Firstly, I would like to thank Gertrude Creep, Head of Comfort & Safety for her continued vigilance. I know of no other member of the AMC who works so tirelessly to tackle the difficult security issues we face. Of course, I do personally, think the poor woman needs to stop staring at the CCTV images of her back garden for a little while as muttering "They're coming, they're coming" repeatedly under your breath while quaffing jugs of black coffee and rocking backwards and forwards in your chair can be slightly unsettling for the staff but you can't fault her commitment.

You will glad to know that I have personally sent round a case of AMC 'Cucumber cathode cure-all eye soother', so that she might ease out those dark circles from under her eyes. From your letters I could tell that some of you were concerned that she had moved in with pulsating pop punch-bag Rihanna, but I can assure you that it was the net result of 120 hours straight watching the old goggle-box and monitoring Mesmobook for evil baddies in our midst.

In the news, I was touched to see the Obama's 'digging for victory' by turning an area of the White House lawn into a market garden and never one's to miss out on a wizard wheeze, we here at Unity Plaza have taken up the 'grow your own' cudgel with vehemence and have so far turned three inner city play areas into gardens growing herbs and rocket for the AMC staff canteen. In fact, as we speak, the quality of the produce has been so highly commended that we are opening up a wholesale division to supply the upmarket restaurants of Marylebone and Park Avenue. Profits will of course immediately be put to good use and will be added to the burgeoning 'Bank Aid' pot.

Gordon and Alistair have also decided to turn their hands to the soil. I understand from Simeon Leak, the No.10 press secretary that they are planting something a little more in line with their character... At last report they were aiming for complete Lemons and a pair of Prize Plums but I've yet to have that confirmed.

It was also refreshing to see that 'Inky Needles', my ex Batman and occasional late-night limousine driver has been putting himself to good community use by reversing the current sad trend in job losses. 'Fumbles' his chain of Gentlemen's establishments has been overrun recently with applicants for jobs in the 'lounge' area. It seems as well that the quality of applicant has been greatly improved by the current credit crisis and at last count included the daughters of several Company Directors, Society Hostesses and a smattering of ex dot-com millionaires.

Far from being unsuited to the job, it seems that endless pole-dance keep-fit lessons have provided him with a plethora of pre-trained talent and that the successful applicants will require no more than an afternoons 'on the job' training from Mr Needles himself. How it just goes to prove that all those endless Pussycat Dolls pop videos proved a positive influence for the employment credentials of a generation.

Anyway - Back to the good news I promised you... After all, I wouldn't be your dear friend and protector if I didn't leave you with a few good tidings to keep you warm and safe in your beds of an evening.

You'll be delighted to hear that after battering a few unwashed oiks around the ear and sending the ardent Miss Von Frau round to a few management companies, we've finally concluded the line-up for our 'Summer of Unity' concert and plans for the 'Summer of Unity' festival of fun. I shall be announcing the full details on Monday and detailing all the forthcoming bumper family entertainment but in the meantime, you can see following a little peek at the lovely poster designed by 'Severe Fringe' of Hoxton. Copies of this and other promotional material will of course be made available for you school, workplace or office.

One last piece of good news which is guaranteed to be good news, is that I've finally concluded the plan for 'Financial Good News' with Sir St. John Stash-Gladwrap and again, full details will be announced on Monday with a preview available through at least one newspaper over the weekend courtesy of Simeon Leak, the No.10 press secretary.

So, take a look back here on at The Fraudster on Monday to find out all the latest! In the meantime, take very good care of yourselves and keep clear of Gertrude's secure environment.

GorSumm