Killing It Up 'Kili' THE CONCLUSION!

Don't forget to check the ENTERTAINMENT section of 'The Fraudster' for the latest and final instalment of Cassandra Thrombosis gripping 'Bank Aid' adventure 'Up Kili' with her team of intrepid celebrities.

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EXCLUSIVE! Nicole Gives!

Star puts money in 'Bank Aid' collection box

In a dramatic 'Illiterate and Fraudster' exclusive, we were witness to yet another piece of selfless largesse by Nicole Wallaby, the Australian multi, multi-millionaire actress as our camera's caught her stealthily leaving a secret donation in a 'Bank Aid' collection box near Threadneedle Street, London.

The action, witnessed by merely 2,700 of the worlds press reporters and photographers who had assembled outside the collection box following a press release issued in 36 languages, is just the latest in a stream of secret donations made to Lord Mesmo's burgeoning relief fund by International celebrities.

Lord Mesmo was said to be moved to tears, stating that "It's wonderful, how in times of the greatest despair this select group of people can be relied upon to bring the attention of the world to the thing closest to their hearts"... He was only able to add a croaking "God bless you" as he turned away from the cameras of the world in tears.

Expect more heart wrenching selflessness at the forthcoming "Bank Aid" Telethon.

May I burden you with my thoughts?

Dear reader

It is not often that I burden you with my thoughts and, as you know too well, I am too modest a man to presume that you should even care to hear me through. But somehow you seem to cherish my every word so I’ll take up a few moments of your precious time if I may.

In the midst of these troubled times I’d like to thank you personally, from the bottom of my inestimable heart for the courage and pluck you have shown to keep us all on the straight and narrow. I would also like to thank you for the not insignificant contribution that you have made to the public coffers since this little unpleasantness descended upon us.

But it is this dear reader, which brings me to the crux of my communication today from Unity Plaza. I would like to take this opportunity to urge you to join in with our campaign to help a particularly suffering group of people… Poor helpless individuals left forlorn and without hope by the ravages of the economic downturn.

These poor creatures are having to get by on nothing but public money and good will since the start of the troubles and frankly my friends, the situation is becoming desperate… And it is for this reason that I would ask you to sign up for my 2009 ‘Bank AID’ appeal.

Directors have been rewarded with a measly one or two pay rises in the last year, many top executives have not been able to upgrade their cars for the 2009 models, bonuses remain unpaid and even certain expense accounts reviewed… A situation my conscience cannot let continue any further.

Having already donated many billions on your behalf from public funds, I am asking you to dig further and to join in. Have fund-raising days in your local communities, help a banks cash-flow by taking the local staff lunch, purchase one of the new ‘Bentley Bowlers’ for the front of your car or simply donate by credit card during the forthcoming telethon.

All I ask of you is to please help. Should the situation deteriorate there is a serious chance that one of our senior banking families may have to cancel a holiday or even winter in Biarritz and that, my dear, dear friends, would be just too horrible a thought to bear.

Many thanks & god bless you all.

Lord Mesmo.

Bank Aid! Show a bank you care…

As part of Lord Mesmo’s revolutionary ‘Bank Aid’ program, an exciting range of merchandise and fund-raising items are shortly to be announced, including ‘Bowlers for Bentley’s’… Fun plastic bowler hats that can be purchased and attached to front of your car to show your support.

Sponsorship packs and fun ideas to support a bank in your area will also be available from outlets displaying the ‘Bank Aid’ logo.

Come on, give your local bank a hug and enlist today!

Economy special - Lord Mesmo unveils master plan!

In direct response to the financial fears that you, his dear public have voiced, Lord Mesmo today unveiled plans for further supporting the struggling banking industry.

‘Bank Aid’ will be a two-pronged attack that will enable to public to further support the banking industry in a number of innovative and exciting ways.

First, will be a 10-hour telethon and entertainment spectacular, hosted by Tess Daly & Bruce Forsythe with guest appearances by the cast of Holby City, the Judges of Strictly Come Dancing and featuring musical performances from Katy Perry and Girls Aloud. The show aims to raise at least £20m to subsidise Directors pay over the forthcoming 12 months and to enable bonuses and share-options to be met as normal.

This will then be followed by a local ‘Adopt-a-Bank’ scheme, where members of local communities will join a roster to provide lunches, soup and afternoon Coffee and biscuits to beleaguered banking staff, suffering from the effects of the downturn.

It’s hoped that the scheme will be extended to the insurance sector, however calls for help to schools, local hospital staff and emergency services have been rightly dismissed as preposterous and not being in the public interest.

Lord Mesmo is currently in negotiation with several US networks for a stateside version of the plan… Rumoured to involve Bono, Beyonce and Simon Cowell.