Help combat this threat to National Unity!

Dear Readers

Recent events surrounding the unseemly dairy haranguing of Gavin Sachet, my Minister for Beastly Things, has forced us to elevate the current security status surrounding Ministers and important people to the Auburn Level.

As you will be aware, this is just above Sienna but directly below Amber, meaning that it would require a Topaz critical announcement to take the state of alert to a full blown Carnation.

Please read the following information and refer to the GUEST SPEAKER column in the 'Illiterate and Fraudster' for Gertrude Creep's announcement on the current situation and for further information.

Thank you my dear, dear friends.

To read the 'Illiterate and Fraudster' CLICK HERE

Great News! The World Just Got Safer!

In answer to your continued urging for a safer society, Lord Mesmo this week announced the latest vital weapon in the 'War against enemies of the people and happiness' by unveiling a massive new travel observation centre in Wythenshawe, near Manchester, England.

The centre, staffed with 300 Police and Immigration Officers will hold the travel records of every one of the 60 million inhabitants of Britain, as well as monitoring their credit card use and phone traffic while abroad.

Getrude Creep, Head of the AMC's 'Comfort & Safety' division gushed with enthusiasm for the project, which will build a complete profile of every person in the UK, storing information for over 10 years "Just in case they get up to anything naughty".

"It's a fantastic piece of equipment" she went on to explain "Which can detect, at the push of a button, excessive or irrational duty free purchasing for products such as Britney Spears new fragrance, people on a diet buying Giant Toblerone or even match text records of New Years resolutions against bulk pack cigarette purchases" before adding with a smile "This system will provide the AMC with saleable marketing data for generations to come".

It is not thought that the system will be able to detect terrorist activity but will at least be able to clarify if they had bought a gift pack of Brut 33 at any time before carrying out their dastardly act.

Lt. Augustine Bung, Head of Lord Mesmo's Secret Service denied that he existed and so was unavailable for comment.

Corporate Responsibility Corner

In the latest of our regular features, Coca-Cola teach us all about sustainability.


Click Here

TERRORIST ALERT!

Do you have a friend that owns one of these? If yes, please be vigilant as they are known to be used by terrorists. If You have a friend who owns, and regularly uses one of these then please watch their activities carefully and report them if they lock themselves away with it repeatedly for any stretch of time.

Remember, YOU are the greatest weapon against terrorism, so be alert and report any suspicious activity, strangers in your area or anyone you just don't like the look of.

Thank You! Mesmo

Friends of Lord Mesmo have taken to the streets with wallpaper adhesive and a message of support for our beloved leader!

World watches worried while Iran launch evil satellite

The world watched on horrified this week as Iran launched the first of what will probably be many evil satellites into space. The so-called 'communications device', which differs markedly from those launched by MesmoCorp in that it was carried out in flagrant breach of copyright, will - According to most experts - "Undoubtedly be used for evil".

This launch adds to the growing list of concerns about technological advances in the region, along with developments in medicine, education and Society, all of which again - According to our experts - Will "Undoubtedly be used for evil".

Professor Walter Panzer of the AMC Weapons & Family Sciences division said "This is of great concern for us. Any launch by Iran must automatically be assumed to be intended for evil, whereas all our satellite launches at Unity Plaza are solely for the purpose of painting smiley faces on the moon and bringing happiness to children."

Lord Mesmo is believed to be monitoring the situation via the AMC's 'Big Ear' DeathStar, currently orbiting the earth.

Storm in a Bishop's Mitre.

There were 'Cardinal Red' faces in the clergy this week as God-denying bishop Ruprecht Von Scharnhorst was appointed to the papal committee on boys clubs and family entertainment by the Pope.

His detractors immediately pointed to the fact that he has repeatedly stated that "I don't actually believe in god per se but that I was always grateful at having had the support of Rome for those many difficult years after my hurried departure from my homeland".

The Pope has refused to make a statement on the appointment, made further complicated by the bishops previous friendship with the papal deity in a certain youth organisation in Germany in the 1940's, however insiders in the Vatican have revealed that the holy one is known to favour forgiveness if the bishop "Doesn't talk too much about it in public".

Lord Mesmo was unavailable for comment, however, Miss T'su's ardent assistant Miss Helga Von Frau publicly stated that her Uncle Ruprecht was a very committed man and that she had frequently heard him crying out the name of our Lord late at night in the leather district of Hamburg.

EXCLUSIVE! Financial Meltdown, press responsible!

Press being herded into a Police line-up to accept responsibility


After the release of confidential documents this week conclusively proved that the world economic crisis was caused by the worlds media and not billionaire property and currency speculators in the banking industry, Lord Mesmo has acted swiftly to attempt to restore confidence in the flagging markets by banning financial bad news.

His financial spokesperson and head of the AMC's treasury division Lord St. John (pron. 'Sinjoen') Stash-Gladwrap said during an exclusive interview with 'The Fraudster', that figures had clearly shown that the world markets fell directly AFTER the worlds press had reported that the majority of the world's banks were teetering on the brink of the abyss and that their Directors had fled in Private helicopters to a secret location in Switzerland.

This to him was "Proof conclusive" if it were needed of the press' liability for the economic armageddon that followed.

He further added that in new guidelines about to be published, Lord Mesmo will close this loophole forever by making reporting bad financial news a "Crime against happiness and the people" and going on to promise that those "Evil wrongdoers and financial terrorists" in the media that had caused the cataclysm would be pursued to the utmost of the soon to be established laws.

Miss T'su is thought to be on standby with a Transit Van, a roll of duct tape and a sack to pick up the offending perpetrators.

Job loss a serious threat for Monocle manufacturers

Bleak economic news again as McWhitthins & Sons of Berkhamstead become the latest potential victims of the economic crisis.

McWhittins have been making fine crafted monocles for over three centuries and despite the fact that their sole remaining customer is Lord Mesmo, are desperate to keep on their staff of 2,500.

“It is essential that we receive government support now!” said their Chairman Lord ‘Rusty’ McWhittin, adding “I know that people say we are not relevant to today’s society and are an overstaffed, inefficient dinosaur, but then how can they justify not bailing us out when the Car industry are getting billions?”

Lord Mesmo will be giving the matter his own personal attention at a golf lunch & champagne jamboree with top economists and the Directors the major high street banks.



Miss T’su’s fervent assistant, Helga Von Frau wearing one of Lord Mesmo’s trusty McWhitthins.

Toy of the week.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0002CYTL2/ref=cm_rdp_product

Social responsibility corner

Lord Mesmo always likes to give credit to organisations who take their social responsibility seriously… This week, the focus falls on McDonalds.

Lord Mesmo says “Thanks Big Mac!”

http://www.mcdonalds.com/usa/work/socialresp.html

Bank Aid! Show a bank you care…

As part of Lord Mesmo’s revolutionary ‘Bank Aid’ program, an exciting range of merchandise and fund-raising items are shortly to be announced, including ‘Bowlers for Bentley’s’… Fun plastic bowler hats that can be purchased and attached to front of your car to show your support.

Sponsorship packs and fun ideas to support a bank in your area will also be available from outlets displaying the ‘Bank Aid’ logo.

Come on, give your local bank a hug and enlist today!

Thank You! Mesmo

We understand that the friends of Lord Mesmo have launched a campaign to raise support for our beloved leader in these difficult times.

From his lofty News blimp over Europe, Lord Mesmo would like to publicly thank them for their sincerity and for their love.

“In these difficult days it is reassuring to know that I have the love and admiration of so many people”, he told our reporter, adding, “Feedback like this is such a wonderful thing and very touching… After all, one of my goals is to touch as many people out there as I can.”

Lord Mesmo however is a man of the people and never one to hog the glory as he modestly shared the praise with his staff at the AMC “My people are working tirelessly for YOUR future and while this temporary blip has seen the collapse of all forms of employment, industry and the housing market, their efforts can never be faulted.”

Lord Mesmo and Miss T’su are currently carrying out staff reviews in a sub-basement of Unity Plaza.

Economy special - Lord Mesmo unveils master plan!

In direct response to the financial fears that you, his dear public have voiced, Lord Mesmo today unveiled plans for further supporting the struggling banking industry.

‘Bank Aid’ will be a two-pronged attack that will enable to public to further support the banking industry in a number of innovative and exciting ways.

First, will be a 10-hour telethon and entertainment spectacular, hosted by Tess Daly & Bruce Forsythe with guest appearances by the cast of Holby City, the Judges of Strictly Come Dancing and featuring musical performances from Katy Perry and Girls Aloud. The show aims to raise at least £20m to subsidise Directors pay over the forthcoming 12 months and to enable bonuses and share-options to be met as normal.

This will then be followed by a local ‘Adopt-a-Bank’ scheme, where members of local communities will join a roster to provide lunches, soup and afternoon Coffee and biscuits to beleaguered banking staff, suffering from the effects of the downturn.

It’s hoped that the scheme will be extended to the insurance sector, however calls for help to schools, local hospital staff and emergency services have been rightly dismissed as preposterous and not being in the public interest.

Lord Mesmo is currently in negotiation with several US networks for a stateside version of the plan… Rumoured to involve Bono, Beyonce and Simon Cowell.

Inauguration Special! Middle class groups concerned at shortage of black friends – Lord Mesmo to act

As Barack Obama is sworn in to herald a new dawn in US politics, experts have warned against a shortage of black friends among the dinner party circuits of North America and Europe.

Lord Mesmo has stated today that he will act to introduce a sweeping program of enlistment to bring assistance to the millions of couples who could be potentially embarrassed by not having any black friends to patronise with their support at domestic gatherings across the globe.

He warned however that there would be no ‘quick fix’ and experts fear that until the school system & social investment infrastructure can catch up with Mr Obama’s unexpected rise to power, many suffering young professionals may have to turn to one of the many ‘rent a black friend’ organisations that have sprung up to meet demand.

A spokesperson for the Dinner Party Organisers Trust of America said that could in turn be disastrous for it’s members, not only in terms of high demand making choice of skin tone difficult but adding that the increased cost taken in conjunction with the financial downturn might make hors d’oeuvres a thing of the past.

http://www.rent-a-negro.com/