A little catch up

Dear All

How lovely it is to be back with you after an exhausting week on the News Blimp, monitoring the financial situation, the growing security crisis, planning the 'Summer of Unity' and trying to keep up with the endless 80's revival pop-reunions. However, as I sat by the fire in Unity Plaza last night - Sipping a fine Brandy and hearing the distant wafting sounds of Miss T'su listening to her whip-crack relaxation tapes in the Zen suite - I got to thinking that not only hadn't I spoken to you, the dear sweet loving public in a while but also that I had some lovely news to tell you.

So, gather round, and I'll run through a few events of my tempestuous week in a little Mesmo Memento.

Firstly, I would like to thank Gertrude Creep, Head of Comfort & Safety for her continued vigilance. I know of no other member of the AMC who works so tirelessly to tackle the difficult security issues we face. Of course, I do personally, think the poor woman needs to stop staring at the CCTV images of her back garden for a little while as muttering "They're coming, they're coming" repeatedly under your breath while quaffing jugs of black coffee and rocking backwards and forwards in your chair can be slightly unsettling for the staff but you can't fault her commitment.

You will glad to know that I have personally sent round a case of AMC 'Cucumber cathode cure-all eye soother', so that she might ease out those dark circles from under her eyes. From your letters I could tell that some of you were concerned that she had moved in with pulsating pop punch-bag Rihanna, but I can assure you that it was the net result of 120 hours straight watching the old goggle-box and monitoring Mesmobook for evil baddies in our midst.

In the news, I was touched to see the Obama's 'digging for victory' by turning an area of the White House lawn into a market garden and never one's to miss out on a wizard wheeze, we here at Unity Plaza have taken up the 'grow your own' cudgel with vehemence and have so far turned three inner city play areas into gardens growing herbs and rocket for the AMC staff canteen. In fact, as we speak, the quality of the produce has been so highly commended that we are opening up a wholesale division to supply the upmarket restaurants of Marylebone and Park Avenue. Profits will of course immediately be put to good use and will be added to the burgeoning 'Bank Aid' pot.

Gordon and Alistair have also decided to turn their hands to the soil. I understand from Simeon Leak, the No.10 press secretary that they are planting something a little more in line with their character... At last report they were aiming for complete Lemons and a pair of Prize Plums but I've yet to have that confirmed.

It was also refreshing to see that 'Inky Needles', my ex Batman and occasional late-night limousine driver has been putting himself to good community use by reversing the current sad trend in job losses. 'Fumbles' his chain of Gentlemen's establishments has been overrun recently with applicants for jobs in the 'lounge' area. It seems as well that the quality of applicant has been greatly improved by the current credit crisis and at last count included the daughters of several Company Directors, Society Hostesses and a smattering of ex dot-com millionaires.

Far from being unsuited to the job, it seems that endless pole-dance keep-fit lessons have provided him with a plethora of pre-trained talent and that the successful applicants will require no more than an afternoons 'on the job' training from Mr Needles himself. How it just goes to prove that all those endless Pussycat Dolls pop videos proved a positive influence for the employment credentials of a generation.

Anyway - Back to the good news I promised you... After all, I wouldn't be your dear friend and protector if I didn't leave you with a few good tidings to keep you warm and safe in your beds of an evening.

You'll be delighted to hear that after battering a few unwashed oiks around the ear and sending the ardent Miss Von Frau round to a few management companies, we've finally concluded the line-up for our 'Summer of Unity' concert and plans for the 'Summer of Unity' festival of fun. I shall be announcing the full details on Monday and detailing all the forthcoming bumper family entertainment but in the meantime, you can see following a little peek at the lovely poster designed by 'Severe Fringe' of Hoxton. Copies of this and other promotional material will of course be made available for you school, workplace or office.

One last piece of good news which is guaranteed to be good news, is that I've finally concluded the plan for 'Financial Good News' with Sir St. John Stash-Gladwrap and again, full details will be announced on Monday with a preview available through at least one newspaper over the weekend courtesy of Simeon Leak, the No.10 press secretary.

So, take a look back here on at The Fraudster on Monday to find out all the latest! In the meantime, take very good care of yourselves and keep clear of Gertrude's secure environment.

GorSumm

More Enemies in our Midst!

Dear reader,

I know that it seems that I'm coming to you these days with ghastly warnings and plea's for help every two minutes... But I do beg you. Take note of our dear Miss Creep's new words of warning on terrorist activity.

She has singled out the following items as being potential terrorist threats in the wrong hands and so I would urge all of you once again to watch your neighbours, friends, family members and loved ones with an eagle eye and to suspect the enemy in our midst.

Contact Gertrude Creep or the Comfort & Safety Division at the slightest whiff of vanilla, or even if your partner should start taking potential 'practice swings' by carelessly tossing their shoes into the corner of the bedroom at night.

Remember... An enemy of Happiness is an enemy of National Unity and I know I can trust you to tell us as soon as you spot anything - After all, only those with anything to hide eh? And all that!

Toodle Pip!

Help combat this threat to National Unity!

Dear Readers

Recent events surrounding the unseemly dairy haranguing of Gavin Sachet, my Minister for Beastly Things, has forced us to elevate the current security status surrounding Ministers and important people to the Auburn Level.

As you will be aware, this is just above Sienna but directly below Amber, meaning that it would require a Topaz critical announcement to take the state of alert to a full blown Carnation.

Please read the following information and refer to the GUEST SPEAKER column in the 'Illiterate and Fraudster' for Gertrude Creep's announcement on the current situation and for further information.

Thank you my dear, dear friends.

To read the 'Illiterate and Fraudster' CLICK HERE

Mesmo Talks Torture and Terror - The Truth!

Dear friends

I am not usually one to respond to tittle-tattle and speculation, in fact I normally despatch Miss T'su to have a word with any blighter doing the tattling and that is generally the end of it. However, there has been so much written of late about the detention of the enemies of happiness and National Unity at our 'Camp Cosy' on the Kent coast - That I thought it was time for me to set the record straight and with total clarity!

As you well remember, before our halcyon world began in 2001, reactionaries, urchins and general n'er-do-well's thronged the streets of our cherished cities spreading tales and promising discontent of the most dastardly nature. Slander against the very things that we hold dearest, lovely things which you and I know well and which need no mention.

In order to preserve those very things I just didn't mention, we decided to act, resulting in the revolutionary 'Comfort & Safety' cctv installation programme in which our beloved Head of Comfort & Safety - Gertrude Creep - Closely monitored the activities of anyone she suspected of not behaving in the spirit of National Unity or of generally 'acting in a funny way'. This extensive programme lead to thousands of anti-social crimes against happiness being detected.

Such was the nature of these crimes (Things such as decent people wouldn't do unless they were told to do so by somebody in authority that had done them or did to those that did the doing and that would have been done unless they had not been stopped from doing them by those that understood the doing was intended to be done, even if it hadn't been done yet, or had only thought of being done) That I was left with no alternative but to act and remove them from your happy midst for the sake of public safety.

This place was Camp Cosy.

While we at the AMC didn't publicly acknowledge the existence of Camp Cosy until last week and/or even confirm or deny the whereabouts of the people contained there, I can confirm categorically that they (whoever they may be) have been constantly cosy there since it's inception.

The facilities are extensive and luxurious and the guests (As they are referred to at all times to make them feel really at home) are very well looked after. Despite stories to the contrary spread by malicious journalists slipped torn notes on pieces of blood-stained and tattered uniform, there are virtually no physical methods used to teach them the error of their ways, with rehabilitation achieved through a series of deep meaningful discussions.

Granted, these discussions sometimes involve the playing of Iron Maiden or High School Musical at stadium volume for 96 hours straight, sometimes bright lights, being hooded or systematically threatened for days on end, sometimes even the occasional removal of perks such as light, air, food and water - but always under the watchful, concerned eye of the diabolical Miss T'su and instruction of Prof. Walter Panzer of the AMC Family Sciences Division.

There is categorically nothing that the Professor would refer to as torture and we should trust his view as, after all, he is an expert and veteran of many torture campaigns since the 1940's. Let us remind ourselves however, that Camp Cosy was established in direct answer to a very real threat to your happiness, comfort and safety... Something which I know that you know, we take very seriously here at the AMC.

And one final thing dear reader, let us also remember that only those doing anything wrong have anything to fear and that couldn't possibly include you as you're a good person with such a developed sense of National Unity*

So, let your children sleep safe in their beds in the knowledge that I am here and that National Unity prevails. Thank you as always for your support, and I'm so glad that I had this chance to put the record straight so unequivocally.

*Subject to status, terms and conditions.

READ ALL THE LATEST NEWS DAILY FROM THE 'ILLITERATE AND FRAUDSTER' ONLY AT ASTRO-MAN.COM

Hopes for anti-photography security bill to be extended

There are hopes that sweeping news laws introduced in the United Kingdom last week making it illegal to photograph a member of the Police or Armed Forces, could be extended worldwide and enhanced to cover their fictional counterparts.

The new law, under Section 76 of the counter terrorism act makes it an offence to gather information on the security services and could be used to prevent snooping and malicious journalists from trying to defame and besmirch the reputation of Lord Mesmo's trusted guardians of the peace.

Revealing the plans to a standing ovation at a packed Unity Plaza press conference, Gertrude Creep - head of the AMC's 'Comfort & Safety' program responded that she was "Open" to the idea of the law being extended to cover the filming of detective and police shows adding that "It might mean that I can go get a cup of coffee without hearing people droning on about last nights episode of The Wire".

Studio bosses were unavailable for comment, however it is believed that Miss Creep, Chief Insp. Elleray Bung and Miss T'su are all in negotiations over AMC approval of next season scripts as a stop-gap measure.

Great News! The World Just Got Safer!

In answer to your continued urging for a safer society, Lord Mesmo this week announced the latest vital weapon in the 'War against enemies of the people and happiness' by unveiling a massive new travel observation centre in Wythenshawe, near Manchester, England.

The centre, staffed with 300 Police and Immigration Officers will hold the travel records of every one of the 60 million inhabitants of Britain, as well as monitoring their credit card use and phone traffic while abroad.

Getrude Creep, Head of the AMC's 'Comfort & Safety' division gushed with enthusiasm for the project, which will build a complete profile of every person in the UK, storing information for over 10 years "Just in case they get up to anything naughty".

"It's a fantastic piece of equipment" she went on to explain "Which can detect, at the push of a button, excessive or irrational duty free purchasing for products such as Britney Spears new fragrance, people on a diet buying Giant Toblerone or even match text records of New Years resolutions against bulk pack cigarette purchases" before adding with a smile "This system will provide the AMC with saleable marketing data for generations to come".

It is not thought that the system will be able to detect terrorist activity but will at least be able to clarify if they had bought a gift pack of Brut 33 at any time before carrying out their dastardly act.

Lt. Augustine Bung, Head of Lord Mesmo's Secret Service denied that he existed and so was unavailable for comment.