Many Happy Returns from the G20 summit!

Well dear readers, what a lovely few days and I must say that it's a little bit of a challenge writing this today as your dear lord and mentor is nursing just the tinciest hangover.

The G20 was a rousing success and good larks were had by all. It was a little difficult this year to have quite the japes we normally do as that Obama chap kept popping up and trying to be serious about everything. Thankfully though, Silvio was on hand to run 'interference' and every time we spotted the aloof troublemaker coming our way to put the dampers on, we'd just send old 'Bellers' out to fawn all over him like a wet puppy.

It worked a bloody treat I can tell you - After 2 hours just the sight of the Italian slicked-back raven locks were enough to prompt a squeaking of heals on the marble floor and a swift retreat to a roomfull of burly CIA types with dark glasses and 56" chests in badly fitting black suits.

Only trouble with Silvio is that, once you've let him off the leash you just can't do a bloody thing with him and he only went and upset 'Lady Babs' by his constant hounding and haranguing of the Omnipotent one during the photo-call. You had to laugh.

Still, it did leave us clear for a few fun and games and thankfully Merkel was on form - Sticking 'Kick me' post-it's on Gordon's back every time he got up from his chair had us in stitches and it always amazes me the capacity for Schnapps that woman has.

I must say that Sarkozy was a bit of a disappointment this time round. He's normally one of the main ringleaders at the after-hours excursions around the seedier back-roads of town but he spent most of this trip on the bloody phone to Carla or getting pussy-whipped up and down Bond Street, as she geared up for the big 'Fashion-Off' with Michelle 'O' in Paris - I haven't seen that many shopping bags since Miss T'su went to the leather and PVC expo.

Talking of the crack of whip and click of pointed heel - It was magnificent to see the delectable one in full flow against the great unwashed out on the streets in Bishopsgate. Law and Order has never been as high on my agenda, so to speak, as when discipline is being administered to the masses by my faithful right hand henchwoman.

Anyway. You'll be glad to know that in the midst of all the fun and frolics, we got lots of work done and that we signed a great BIG cheque for trillions of dollars to... well... Ourselves. So, jolly fine work 'us' and it's next stop Japan in the autumn.

Some of the gang had wanted the Caribbean for our 'validation' meeting but I pointed out that it was closer to the US and it would mean more of Obama's lot turning up and spoiling the fun - And anyway, the Sake is always so good at that time of year.

That's all for now chums! Toodle-Pip and see you soon for more on the 'Summer of Unity!'

Summer of Unity - Fun for everyone!

Following is a full transcript of Lord Mesmo's announcement of the details for the 'Summer of Unity', as read by Bertram Twist - Minister for Populist Ideas, at yesterdays sell-out Unity Plaza press conference.


Dear All

There come several points in the long life of a Press Baron, Humanitarian, Father of the People and Humble Servant of the Masses that bring him true pleasure. One was of course the founding of the AMC way back in those heady days of the Falklands in 1982, another was my declaration of World Harmony in 2001. There have been several with Miss T'su but maybe this isn't the time or place.

Anyway, this dear friends is just one of those moments. A date that defines who were are and all that we stand for as we strive to build a better world that all our children might sleep safely in their beds. A world of happiness, joy and National Unity.

There are many out there who fear for our sweet world, but not I. I know only how wonderful and lovely all you loving friends can be to each other - And when Commodore Fotheringay H. Bung of the Secret Service, or 'Bungers of Whitehall' as I playfully call him, came to see me a few short weeks ago he was in a state of positive agitation.

"The people will be rioting in the streets" he said, "Unemployment will create dissent and disorder" he cried, "Mayhem and protest on an unheard of scale" he sobbed. Well, my happy people, I turned to dear 'Bungers' and I placed a loving friend's hand on his heaving shoulder and I offered him a crumb of comfort.

Dear friends,do you know what I said to him? Of course not,silly me, as we were in the high security wing of Unity Plaza at the time but I shall tell you, my eager, rapt followers. I said to him, "Bungers my dear, I know these people. They are my children, my family, my flesh and blood. These are not oiks, urchins and n'er-do-well riff-raff... Mere troublemongers or bolsheviks... These are the life-blood of this fair country. The sons of honest toil and daughters of sweet innocence".

"No", I said to him, "We do not need to fear this summer - Despite the hardship, the unemployment, the soaring taxes, the lack of food in the shops or the spiraling house repossessions - These people trust us, they believe in us and what they need is a jolly good knees up and a bit of sing-song to get morale back again".

He looked slightly nonplussed and started to gesticulate wildly, pointing to graphs, maps, charts and copies of 'Mesmobook' conversations printed out in stark black & white. I stopped him with a considerate but firmly raised palm and a gentle shake of my head as I settled back into my honest and humble leather chair.

"Trust in the people", I said "They will know the right thing to do".

And so, here we are dear friends. After three weeks of frenzied planning and many, many late nights of Myself and Miss T'su thrashing through details we humbly present to you... YOUR Summer of Unity.

A three month celebration of everything good and glorious in or beloved land and a chance to gird ourselves for the difficult tasks ahead. To joyfully participate in the preparation of the country's defences against evil and to work hand-in-hand to provide a better, safer, happier world of National Unity for our children.

Details will be published in the press of individual events, however I can give you a little taster of the fun to come.

We kick off the hi-jinks with a smashing free concert, here at Unity Plaza. Thousands of you will throng to hear the latest 80's inspired pop sounds and the wistful harmonic meanderings of Furry Grizzly Fleet Animal Banana Foxy Panda Bear Collective.

Then, it's three months of fun community activities and street parties - Including.

• Family CCTV installations or 'Help-Cam-Raising's' as we call them, where you and your family can sponsor and erect a CCTV camera near your home linked to our National Unity monitoring centre.
• Help a Bobby Catch a Terrorist week, where playful children can run up and down the streets 'tagging' people the family suspect of terrorism or beastliness.
• Ring-a Ring-O' Barbed Wire games, where secure fences and nice safe rolls of barbed wire can be placed around the houses of very important people and selfless, hard-working AMC employees.
• Secure the Neighbourhood Day, where we place a community helper on each street corner to check and make sure that everyone is safe and has the right i.d. papers (oh, what fun we'll have with any hilarious mix-up's).
• Staring at Strangers competitions - Where we sponsor the little ones to stare at strangers in the community until they go away or crumble in their wickedness.
... And finally, a country-wide 'Search for Unity' celebrity TV talent show.

All this culminates with Wicker Man burnings and firework parties up and down the whole country.

My dear, dear friends... What rosy-cheeked fun we'll have this summer with all these activities to keep us busy. Why, with all this to do, who'll have time to think of being grumpy or an enemy of happiness eh? Not that any of you were thinking of that anyway... Dear old Bungers, he's such a 'Worry-Wendy'.

Here's to the summer fun and YOUR Summer of Unity.

Until then, toodle pip!

A brief email from Lord Mesmo in Horsham at the G20 summit.

Dear Miss T'su

Hope all going well with you and that things aren't too quiet in the News Blimp without me! I must say, it was all a bit bloody austere round here on the first day and all the blathering on about recession and wearing dark suits was starting to get me a bit peeved.

I was seriously thinking that the 'gang' had gone a bit soft until, midway through Darling droning on like a broken washing machine, a Champagne cork popped at the back of the hall and Merkel - Who I hadn't spotted slipping away from the table - Popped up out of a cake throwing bundles of Euro and wraps of bugle to the entire throng.

Seems like they'd hatched a surprise party for me and just wanted to see how far I could slump into boredom before I started trying to bag Gordon with Amelia Tweed's 12-Gauge (again).

Still, we have to be a bit careful this time round - These aren't the happy days of yore... Not like that wonderful time with you and I in Seattle eh? Oh, how you flushed with delight after a day out amongst the protesters with your new 5" heels and that signed Sammy Sosa 'Slugger' steel baseball bat... Happy days... Oh, where was I?

Ah yes, we have to be on the lookout this time as we have the 'New Boy's' people in town and what a very serious bunch they are - Not like the old lot. Seems like we have one on our hands that actually wants to get something done this time, but he'll soon learn.

Anyway, Szarkozy came up with a wizard wheeze and every time they came in the room he told them in earnest 'Franglais' that their Lord and Master had just been on the phone and that he sounded "Ze 'opping mad", they'd turn around so fast their heels left a mark on the parquet floor - Leaving us to get on with the real business.

So - We're midway through 'negotiations' about now and I reckon that Germany and Russia are about £10bn down each... Especially after I went all-in on that last hand and called Merkel's bluff and with no more than a pair of three's as well... Ha! At this rate, I reckon we should have the budgets balanced by the end of the week.

Anyway, must dash as Gordon is doing a press conference later and that's always good for a giggle.

Love to all and remember that the armoury is due a polish this Sunday... As if you would forget!

TTFN!

A Riotous piece of fun!

Well, Dear Readers

We all know how those lovely people over at 'The Fraudster' love to unearth fun toys for us to buy our kiddywinks in their 'Toy of the Week' feature, and by jove... This week is no exception. They really have found an absolute winner to send little Johnny off to his pals with.

Behold the glory of the Dress-Up Riot Suit... Complete with extra long night stick, body armour & face shield. Yes, what better way to ensure that your child is never suspected by Gertrude Creep of being an enemy of Happiness and Freedom by play-acting the consequences of erring in your National Unity!

Why not pick up one of these wonders for your dearest little ones and let them re-enact the Seattle Riots, or possibly practice crowd suppression tactics with the Cat. "Go on Johnny, get your knee in Tiddles throat"... Marvellous!

Miss T'su has an outfit not dissimilar to this, however she has made some... Ahem, 'amendments' that might not work quite so appropriately on a child's play set - After all, we have to protect their young impressionable minds from corrupting influences... Don't we?

That's all for know, I'm off to see Prof. Panzer at the AMC Weapons and Family Sciences lab - He has some spiffy new Pepper Spray and Spray String he wants to show me for marketing to the under 11's... He calls it 'Lord Mesmo's Giggle & Choke Pepper-String'... Catchy.

TTFN!!!

For more details CLICK HERE!

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A nice tune in the morning

People often ask how the delectable Miss T'su and I while away the hours in the AMC 'News Blimp' while we're monitoring the happy, halcyon world we have created - And while Miss T'su has many diversions, some of them particular to only a small group of people, there is one love that we both share a passion for, and that dear reader, is music.

How delighted we were therefore when we discovered that one of Miss T'su's trusted helpers liked to tickle the old ivories of an evening as amusement back on Terra Firma. Well, we needed no second bidding and the staunch young lady was immediately given free board and lodging on the Corporate dirigible with the sole purpose of playing us a nice tune to get the day started.

This, then dear reader, is how Miss T'su and I like to rouse ourselves in the morning - With this lovely ditty being a particular favourite to get me stirred, ready for a good days work fulfilling my duty to keep you safe and secure at the helm of the good ship AMC.

Take it away Miss T'su's stern young friend...



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Mesmo Talks Torture and Terror - The Truth!

Dear friends

I am not usually one to respond to tittle-tattle and speculation, in fact I normally despatch Miss T'su to have a word with any blighter doing the tattling and that is generally the end of it. However, there has been so much written of late about the detention of the enemies of happiness and National Unity at our 'Camp Cosy' on the Kent coast - That I thought it was time for me to set the record straight and with total clarity!

As you well remember, before our halcyon world began in 2001, reactionaries, urchins and general n'er-do-well's thronged the streets of our cherished cities spreading tales and promising discontent of the most dastardly nature. Slander against the very things that we hold dearest, lovely things which you and I know well and which need no mention.

In order to preserve those very things I just didn't mention, we decided to act, resulting in the revolutionary 'Comfort & Safety' cctv installation programme in which our beloved Head of Comfort & Safety - Gertrude Creep - Closely monitored the activities of anyone she suspected of not behaving in the spirit of National Unity or of generally 'acting in a funny way'. This extensive programme lead to thousands of anti-social crimes against happiness being detected.

Such was the nature of these crimes (Things such as decent people wouldn't do unless they were told to do so by somebody in authority that had done them or did to those that did the doing and that would have been done unless they had not been stopped from doing them by those that understood the doing was intended to be done, even if it hadn't been done yet, or had only thought of being done) That I was left with no alternative but to act and remove them from your happy midst for the sake of public safety.

This place was Camp Cosy.

While we at the AMC didn't publicly acknowledge the existence of Camp Cosy until last week and/or even confirm or deny the whereabouts of the people contained there, I can confirm categorically that they (whoever they may be) have been constantly cosy there since it's inception.

The facilities are extensive and luxurious and the guests (As they are referred to at all times to make them feel really at home) are very well looked after. Despite stories to the contrary spread by malicious journalists slipped torn notes on pieces of blood-stained and tattered uniform, there are virtually no physical methods used to teach them the error of their ways, with rehabilitation achieved through a series of deep meaningful discussions.

Granted, these discussions sometimes involve the playing of Iron Maiden or High School Musical at stadium volume for 96 hours straight, sometimes bright lights, being hooded or systematically threatened for days on end, sometimes even the occasional removal of perks such as light, air, food and water - but always under the watchful, concerned eye of the diabolical Miss T'su and instruction of Prof. Walter Panzer of the AMC Family Sciences Division.

There is categorically nothing that the Professor would refer to as torture and we should trust his view as, after all, he is an expert and veteran of many torture campaigns since the 1940's. Let us remind ourselves however, that Camp Cosy was established in direct answer to a very real threat to your happiness, comfort and safety... Something which I know that you know, we take very seriously here at the AMC.

And one final thing dear reader, let us also remember that only those doing anything wrong have anything to fear and that couldn't possibly include you as you're a good person with such a developed sense of National Unity*

So, let your children sleep safe in their beds in the knowledge that I am here and that National Unity prevails. Thank you as always for your support, and I'm so glad that I had this chance to put the record straight so unequivocally.

*Subject to status, terms and conditions.

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God bless Madge!

Good to see in 'The Frauster' this week that Guest Freeloader is justifying her exorbitant expenses claims with a smashing report from the Oscars on my pal Madge.

Putting the curlers and hair-net to one side for the evening, the ex- Mrs Ritchie managed to 'scrub-up' OK, courtesy of several millions of dollars-worth of blagged diamonds. Fantastic! That girl has more gumption than Ronnie Biggs when it comes to sparklers and it was lovely to see her swathed from head to foot in Africa's finest - All in the name of... errr, Madge.

I took a heated call from my Diamond mine foreman Clerk Van Der Stormtrooper or 'The Big Stick' as my workers call him, saying that the chaps in the mines could barely contain themselves as piccies of the dear old material girl flashed out around the world. Nearly had another situation on our hands... But then again, that wouldn't be unusual, the bloody mineworkers are always kicking off about working conditions, getting paid, half of them getting crushed under millions of tons of rock or seeing daylight once a month... or something equally petty.

Still, it's small price to pay (literally) for getting the stones out of the Continent to see them draped over someone like Madonna... It makes all the misery worthwhile. Anyway, where was that phone, I must call the army and get them over to the pit-head.

Toodle-pip!

pic. Madonna and delighted diamond mine workers.

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