Following is a full transcript of Lord Mesmo's announcement of the details for the 'Summer of Unity', as read by Bertram Twist - Minister for Populist Ideas, at yesterdays sell-out Unity Plaza press conference.
Dear All
There come several points in the long life of a Press Baron, Humanitarian, Father of the People and Humble Servant of the Masses that bring him true pleasure. One was of course the founding of the AMC way back in those heady days of the Falklands in 1982, another was my declaration of World Harmony in 2001. There have been several with Miss T'su but maybe this isn't the time or place.
Anyway, this dear friends is just one of those moments. A date that defines who were are and all that we stand for as we strive to build a better world that all our children might sleep safely in their beds. A world of happiness, joy and National Unity.
There are many out there who fear for our sweet world, but not I. I know only how wonderful and lovely all you loving friends can be to each other - And when Commodore Fotheringay H. Bung of the Secret Service, or 'Bungers of Whitehall' as I playfully call him, came to see me a few short weeks ago he was in a state of positive agitation.
"The people will be rioting in the streets" he said, "Unemployment will create dissent and disorder" he cried, "Mayhem and protest on an unheard of scale" he sobbed. Well, my happy people, I turned to dear 'Bungers' and I placed a loving friend's hand on his heaving shoulder and I offered him a crumb of comfort.
Dear friends,do you know what I said to him? Of course not,silly me, as we were in the high security wing of Unity Plaza at the time but I shall tell you, my eager, rapt followers. I said to him, "Bungers my dear, I know these people. They are my children, my family, my flesh and blood. These are not oiks, urchins and n'er-do-well riff-raff... Mere troublemongers or bolsheviks... These are the life-blood of this fair country. The sons of honest toil and daughters of sweet innocence".
"No", I said to him, "We do not need to fear this summer - Despite the hardship, the unemployment, the soaring taxes, the lack of food in the shops or the spiraling house repossessions - These people trust us, they believe in us and what they need is a jolly good knees up and a bit of sing-song to get morale back again".
He looked slightly nonplussed and started to gesticulate wildly, pointing to graphs, maps, charts and copies of 'Mesmobook' conversations printed out in stark black & white. I stopped him with a considerate but firmly raised palm and a gentle shake of my head as I settled back into my honest and humble leather chair.
"Trust in the people", I said "They will know the right thing to do".
And so, here we are dear friends. After three weeks of frenzied planning and many, many late nights of Myself and Miss T'su thrashing through details we humbly present to you... YOUR Summer of Unity.
A three month celebration of everything good and glorious in or beloved land and a chance to gird ourselves for the difficult tasks ahead. To joyfully participate in the preparation of the country's defences against evil and to work hand-in-hand to provide a better, safer, happier world of National Unity for our children.
Details will be published in the press of individual events, however I can give you a little taster of the fun to come.
We kick off the hi-jinks with a smashing free concert, here at Unity Plaza. Thousands of you will throng to hear the latest 80's inspired pop sounds and the wistful harmonic meanderings of Furry Grizzly Fleet Animal Banana Foxy Panda Bear Collective.
Then, it's three months of fun community activities and street parties - Including.
• Family CCTV installations or 'Help-Cam-Raising's' as we call them, where you and your family can sponsor and erect a CCTV camera near your home linked to our National Unity monitoring centre.
• Help a Bobby Catch a Terrorist week, where playful children can run up and down the streets 'tagging' people the family suspect of terrorism or beastliness.
• Ring-a Ring-O' Barbed Wire games, where secure fences and nice safe rolls of barbed wire can be placed around the houses of very important people and selfless, hard-working AMC employees.
• Secure the Neighbourhood Day, where we place a community helper on each street corner to check and make sure that everyone is safe and has the right i.d. papers (oh, what fun we'll have with any hilarious mix-up's).
• Staring at Strangers competitions - Where we sponsor the little ones to stare at strangers in the community until they go away or crumble in their wickedness.
... And finally, a country-wide 'Search for Unity' celebrity TV talent show.
All this culminates with Wicker Man burnings and firework parties up and down the whole country.
My dear, dear friends... What rosy-cheeked fun we'll have this summer with all these activities to keep us busy. Why, with all this to do, who'll have time to think of being grumpy or an enemy of happiness eh? Not that any of you were thinking of that anyway... Dear old Bungers, he's such a 'Worry-Wendy'.
Here's to the summer fun and YOUR Summer of Unity.
Until then, toodle pip!
Posts
