Many Happy Returns from the G20 summit!

Well dear readers, what a lovely few days and I must say that it's a little bit of a challenge writing this today as your dear lord and mentor is nursing just the tinciest hangover.

The G20 was a rousing success and good larks were had by all. It was a little difficult this year to have quite the japes we normally do as that Obama chap kept popping up and trying to be serious about everything. Thankfully though, Silvio was on hand to run 'interference' and every time we spotted the aloof troublemaker coming our way to put the dampers on, we'd just send old 'Bellers' out to fawn all over him like a wet puppy.

It worked a bloody treat I can tell you - After 2 hours just the sight of the Italian slicked-back raven locks were enough to prompt a squeaking of heals on the marble floor and a swift retreat to a roomfull of burly CIA types with dark glasses and 56" chests in badly fitting black suits.

Only trouble with Silvio is that, once you've let him off the leash you just can't do a bloody thing with him and he only went and upset 'Lady Babs' by his constant hounding and haranguing of the Omnipotent one during the photo-call. You had to laugh.

Still, it did leave us clear for a few fun and games and thankfully Merkel was on form - Sticking 'Kick me' post-it's on Gordon's back every time he got up from his chair had us in stitches and it always amazes me the capacity for Schnapps that woman has.

I must say that Sarkozy was a bit of a disappointment this time round. He's normally one of the main ringleaders at the after-hours excursions around the seedier back-roads of town but he spent most of this trip on the bloody phone to Carla or getting pussy-whipped up and down Bond Street, as she geared up for the big 'Fashion-Off' with Michelle 'O' in Paris - I haven't seen that many shopping bags since Miss T'su went to the leather and PVC expo.

Talking of the crack of whip and click of pointed heel - It was magnificent to see the delectable one in full flow against the great unwashed out on the streets in Bishopsgate. Law and Order has never been as high on my agenda, so to speak, as when discipline is being administered to the masses by my faithful right hand henchwoman.

Anyway. You'll be glad to know that in the midst of all the fun and frolics, we got lots of work done and that we signed a great BIG cheque for trillions of dollars to... well... Ourselves. So, jolly fine work 'us' and it's next stop Japan in the autumn.

Some of the gang had wanted the Caribbean for our 'validation' meeting but I pointed out that it was closer to the US and it would mean more of Obama's lot turning up and spoiling the fun - And anyway, the Sake is always so good at that time of year.

That's all for now chums! Toodle-Pip and see you soon for more on the 'Summer of Unity!'

A little catch up

Dear All

How lovely it is to be back with you after an exhausting week on the News Blimp, monitoring the financial situation, the growing security crisis, planning the 'Summer of Unity' and trying to keep up with the endless 80's revival pop-reunions. However, as I sat by the fire in Unity Plaza last night - Sipping a fine Brandy and hearing the distant wafting sounds of Miss T'su listening to her whip-crack relaxation tapes in the Zen suite - I got to thinking that not only hadn't I spoken to you, the dear sweet loving public in a while but also that I had some lovely news to tell you.

So, gather round, and I'll run through a few events of my tempestuous week in a little Mesmo Memento.

Firstly, I would like to thank Gertrude Creep, Head of Comfort & Safety for her continued vigilance. I know of no other member of the AMC who works so tirelessly to tackle the difficult security issues we face. Of course, I do personally, think the poor woman needs to stop staring at the CCTV images of her back garden for a little while as muttering "They're coming, they're coming" repeatedly under your breath while quaffing jugs of black coffee and rocking backwards and forwards in your chair can be slightly unsettling for the staff but you can't fault her commitment.

You will glad to know that I have personally sent round a case of AMC 'Cucumber cathode cure-all eye soother', so that she might ease out those dark circles from under her eyes. From your letters I could tell that some of you were concerned that she had moved in with pulsating pop punch-bag Rihanna, but I can assure you that it was the net result of 120 hours straight watching the old goggle-box and monitoring Mesmobook for evil baddies in our midst.

In the news, I was touched to see the Obama's 'digging for victory' by turning an area of the White House lawn into a market garden and never one's to miss out on a wizard wheeze, we here at Unity Plaza have taken up the 'grow your own' cudgel with vehemence and have so far turned three inner city play areas into gardens growing herbs and rocket for the AMC staff canteen. In fact, as we speak, the quality of the produce has been so highly commended that we are opening up a wholesale division to supply the upmarket restaurants of Marylebone and Park Avenue. Profits will of course immediately be put to good use and will be added to the burgeoning 'Bank Aid' pot.

Gordon and Alistair have also decided to turn their hands to the soil. I understand from Simeon Leak, the No.10 press secretary that they are planting something a little more in line with their character... At last report they were aiming for complete Lemons and a pair of Prize Plums but I've yet to have that confirmed.

It was also refreshing to see that 'Inky Needles', my ex Batman and occasional late-night limousine driver has been putting himself to good community use by reversing the current sad trend in job losses. 'Fumbles' his chain of Gentlemen's establishments has been overrun recently with applicants for jobs in the 'lounge' area. It seems as well that the quality of applicant has been greatly improved by the current credit crisis and at last count included the daughters of several Company Directors, Society Hostesses and a smattering of ex dot-com millionaires.

Far from being unsuited to the job, it seems that endless pole-dance keep-fit lessons have provided him with a plethora of pre-trained talent and that the successful applicants will require no more than an afternoons 'on the job' training from Mr Needles himself. How it just goes to prove that all those endless Pussycat Dolls pop videos proved a positive influence for the employment credentials of a generation.

Anyway - Back to the good news I promised you... After all, I wouldn't be your dear friend and protector if I didn't leave you with a few good tidings to keep you warm and safe in your beds of an evening.

You'll be delighted to hear that after battering a few unwashed oiks around the ear and sending the ardent Miss Von Frau round to a few management companies, we've finally concluded the line-up for our 'Summer of Unity' concert and plans for the 'Summer of Unity' festival of fun. I shall be announcing the full details on Monday and detailing all the forthcoming bumper family entertainment but in the meantime, you can see following a little peek at the lovely poster designed by 'Severe Fringe' of Hoxton. Copies of this and other promotional material will of course be made available for you school, workplace or office.

One last piece of good news which is guaranteed to be good news, is that I've finally concluded the plan for 'Financial Good News' with Sir St. John Stash-Gladwrap and again, full details will be announced on Monday with a preview available through at least one newspaper over the weekend courtesy of Simeon Leak, the No.10 press secretary.

So, take a look back here on at The Fraudster on Monday to find out all the latest! In the meantime, take very good care of yourselves and keep clear of Gertrude's secure environment.

GorSumm

Obama's in tense fashion rearguard action.

Following harsh criticism of Michelle Obama's inauguration day wardrobe by influential experts at the fashion glossies (reported FIRST, here on the Fraudster), the Whitehouse has acted swiftly to restore confidence among the fashionista's and hopefully head off a damaging drop in popularity among the lunch wives of the Hamptons.

The huge aid package has seen experts from Vogue drafted in to re-build the wardrobe of the First Lady from the ground up in what is becoming known as the 'New Shoes Deal'.

Ike Tumbleweed III, US envoy for Transatlantic Cultural Relations said to the 'Fraudster' today that the drastic action had been taken to "Restore confidence in the markets and enable us to push through our extensive program of reforms", adding that "One more negative fashion headline in Grazia and it could have been farewell to a second term".

Lord Mesmo's delectable assistant, Miss T'su is thought to be currently negotiating with 'Sporting Life' for a 16-page Lord Mesmo fashion special.

Inauguration Special! Obama Presidency a new era… Fashionista’s not so sure.

Barack Obama may have won the US election with a landslide but there’s one block of voters who may prove a stubborn obstacle to his sweeping reforms and social care programs.

Fashion experts across the globe are only extending a cautious welcome to the Obama’s and the new leader of the free world may need to devote many hours or even open a consultation role in his new government to key magazine columnists if he’s to win the battle of the Whitehouse wardrobe.

After Michelle Obama’s inauguration outfit drew gasps and stinging reproach from several fashion editors of the top glossies, there was concern among Oval Office advisors that health reforms may need to take a back seat to the important area of fashion PR.

One insider said confidentially “Never mind closing Guantanamo or solving the financial downturn, we have to nip this fashion criticism in the bud or there might not be a second term… These magazines can be vicious.”

Lord Mesmo was unavailable for comment as he and Miss T’su were in an urgent meeting with Grazia.

Inauguration Special! Middle class groups concerned at shortage of black friends – Lord Mesmo to act

As Barack Obama is sworn in to herald a new dawn in US politics, experts have warned against a shortage of black friends among the dinner party circuits of North America and Europe.

Lord Mesmo has stated today that he will act to introduce a sweeping program of enlistment to bring assistance to the millions of couples who could be potentially embarrassed by not having any black friends to patronise with their support at domestic gatherings across the globe.

He warned however that there would be no ‘quick fix’ and experts fear that until the school system & social investment infrastructure can catch up with Mr Obama’s unexpected rise to power, many suffering young professionals may have to turn to one of the many ‘rent a black friend’ organisations that have sprung up to meet demand.

A spokesperson for the Dinner Party Organisers Trust of America said that could in turn be disastrous for it’s members, not only in terms of high demand making choice of skin tone difficult but adding that the increased cost taken in conjunction with the financial downturn might make hors d’oeuvres a thing of the past.

http://www.rent-a-negro.com/

Leader of the Free World arrives in Washington.

The world watched in hushed tones as a man who speaks for an entire continent strode to the stage in Washington on Sunday to address a raptured audience of thousands and a TV audience of millions.

In his usual self-effacing manner, the man of the moment gave praise to the people who had made it possible and thanked them, for helping him take his rightful place in history. Then, having wowed the crowd, he stepped aside to let his people acknowledge the President elect.

Mr Obama said that he was really honoured to have met Bono. Lord Mesmo is still in the queue.