Showing posts with label Illiterate and Fraudster. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Illiterate and Fraudster. Show all posts

24/03/2009

True Heroes!


Dear Reader

Anyone who reads Candida Upright-Worthy's moving tale of Banker Ridgewell Hawkins in the Guest Column of 'The Fraudster' this week will know what depths of suffering are being wrought by the current crisis.


It is through your fortitude and perceverance that we have so far been able to save these noble family institutions and help people like Ridgewell in their hour of need but - As is so often the case - There is more we need to do to face up to our responsibilities if we are to make it through the maelstrom that still awaits us.

It is to this end that I would like us all to stand up and applaud one group of people who, in the midst of crisis, are marching us from the potential ruins of civilisation toward a brighter tomorrow. A group whose selfless commitment to society is a shining light to all those blighters and n'er-do-wells clogging up the system with their gnashing of teeth.

I refer of course dear reader, to the social elites of our delightful halcyon world - The Park Avenue Promenaders, The Sloane Street shoppers, The Fashion week Fashionista's and yes, even the poor Beleagured Bankers. These hard-pressed and tireless individuals are battling away, in spite of enormous financial pressures, to retain their way of life and keep the wheels of industry turning with their extravagant spending and rampant globe-trotting.

If I may coin a phrase and old acquaintance of mine once used... Never before in the field of retail, was so much owed by so few to so many on so few credit cards.

The single-minded determination of these hardy consumers, from The Paris shows to the Polo season is a joy to behold and how wonderful that so many are flying the flag of economic recovery by ensuring that they are spotted at as many parties as possible in as many outfits as possible. Thankfully, there are countless magazines and websites on hand to document these splendid individuals and it is heartwarming to me that you, my dear, dear friends out there, take so much time out of your day to read about and admire their selfless devotion to society in the pages of the weekly glossies.

These people are just like you and I, only better. So on behalf of everyone, I would like to thank them... My peerless champions of consumerism. You are dazzling bastions of 'Business as Usual' and your flagrant disregard for those who doubt our time-honoured way of doing things is a true example of how to deal with the Enemies of Happiness and National Unity in our midst.

We can only dream to be as wonderful as you, but we can all do our bit by ensuring that we buy something shiny, expensive or glamorous this week. I know that Miss T'su and I will certainly do our bit... Will you prove your National Unity by doing yours?

11/03/2009

Help combat this threat to National Unity!


Dear Readers

Recent events surrounding the unseemly dairy haranguing of Gavin Sachet, my Minister for Beastly Things, has forced us to elevate the current security status surrounding Ministers and important people to the Auburn Level.


As you will be aware, this is just above Sienna but directly below Amber, meaning that it would require a Topaz critical announcement to take the state of alert to a full blown Carnation.

Please read the following information and refer to the GUEST SPEAKER column in the 'Illiterate and Fraudster' for Gertrude Creep's announcement on the current situation and for further information.

Thank you my dear, dear friends.

To read the 'Illiterate and Fraudster' CLICK HERE

05/03/2009

Killing It Up Kili!


Cassandra Thrombis, Head of Group Hug PR tells all from behind the scenes as our team of intrepid celebrities are 'Killing It Up Kili' for Bank Aid!

READ HER FULL STORY IN 'THE FRAUDSTER' GUEST COLUMN, WITH REGULAR UPDATES ALL THROUGH THE NERVE-WRACKING JOURNEY! ONLY AT... WWW.ASTRO-MAN.COM

03/03/2009

Later, in 'The Fraudster' EXCLUSIVE!


EXCLUSIVE! In the 'Entertainment' Section of The Fraudster, read Eugenia Muesli-Yoga's round-up of London Fashion week! All the drama, all the stories from backstage at the shows.

DON'T MISS IT... ONLY AT ASTRO-MAN.COM

26/02/2009

My favourite toy this week! (Apart from the 'ahem', things that Miss T'su bought round the other night, but that's another matter... Hmm)


I like to give you people out there a little pointer for some fabulous things to entertain the kiddywinks with. Personally, I prefer to give them the magnificent AMC K-74 'Widowmaker' assault rifle but I know that some of the more flighty among you blanch at stuff like that, so here's an alternative.

Steering clear of well-designed delights of light weaponry, there's nothing finer than a toy that helps them get to grips with the word of the Lord... Ha ha, no, not me my happy friends! Not that Lord... 'THE' Lord (although I would urge you to take heed of my word too, I would never suppose to step on 'his' toes).

Those Johnnies at that fine publication 'The Fraudster' (see astro-man.com for the latest) run a regular column on their favourite playthings of the moment and have unearthed this little gem. A fine teaching device that will help your young ones - With a little encouragement and maybe missing a few meals - Be fluent with the word of the other Lord. Smashing!

Click on the link below and you too could maybe benefit from a few words to the wise.

Toodle pip & Amen!

Click here to hear the good news!


READ ALL THE LATEST NEWS DAILY FROM THE 'ILLITERATE AND FRAUDSTER' ONLY AT ASTRO-MAN.COM

23/02/2009

All the news from the Oscars - THIS WEEK in 'The Fraudster'.


Who won what, who wore what, who slighted who, all this week your scintillating 'Fraudster' will be running thousands of lines of coverage and analysing, re-analysing and going deep, deep into the stories behind the stories at the glitziest event in the Universe this weekend.

Our teams of reporters, staying at the swankiest hotels in LA, will be dancing the night away with the stars to bring you the best Oscars stories.

From Polly Important who will be on the red carpet to bring you the drama as it unfolds to Cornelia Gushing our Celebrity Fashion correspondent, giving you the low-down on the hits and misses of what the stars were (or weren't) wearing.

Guest Freeloader rounds up the best of the party action while Pomegranate ChelseA and her constant companion Jemima Cheyne-Walk will be getting shitfaced all week to bring you exclusives from behind the red rope of the VIP area.

It's all for you, all this week at 'The Fraudster', the paper that's easily distracted. Read it now at

www.astro-man.com

19/02/2009

Obama's in tense fashion rearguard action.


Following harsh criticism of Michelle Obama's inauguration day wardrobe by influential experts at the fashion glossies (reported FIRST, here on the Fraudster), the Whitehouse has acted swiftly to restore confidence among the fashionista's and hopefully head off a damaging drop in popularity among the lunch wives of the Hamptons.

The huge aid package has seen experts from Vogue drafted in to re-build the wardrobe of the First Lady from the ground up in what is becoming known as the 'New Shoes Deal'.

Ike Tumbleweed III, US envoy for Transatlantic Cultural Relations said to the 'Fraudster' today that the drastic action had been taken to "Restore confidence in the markets and enable us to push through our extensive program of reforms", adding that "One more negative fashion headline in Grazia and it could have been farewell to a second term".

Lord Mesmo's delectable assistant, Miss T'su is thought to be currently negotiating with 'Sporting Life' for a 16-page Lord Mesmo fashion special.

18/02/2009

Recession bites into world of Couture, Fashionista's distraught.


The fashion roadshow rumbled on to New York last week, however insiders say that the world credit crisis is showing signs of leaving its mark on even the glittering world of couture.

Eugenia Muesli-Yoga, fashion correspondent for the 'Fraudster' has been following the shows through their bi-annual world tour and has noticed the more austere mood at the key functions and parties.

"Only last week, we attended a seminar in Paris on how fashion could contribute to the plight of the 53 million people trapped in world poverty and the Champagne was non-vintage".

She went further to add that even the hotels in which the hundreds of travelling reporters, models and glitterati were staying had been forced to cut costs, noting that "There was no doubt whatsoever, that the towels in the $7,300 per night 'Belle Etiole Suite' of the Meurice were only changed three times a day instead of four and that they were not made of hand woven Egyptian cotton."

Ms Muesli-Yoga is currently staying at the Plaza overlooking Central Park. She has an Am-Ex 'Red' card.


Pic. Ms Muesli-Yoga in Montmatre. She was there, you weren't.

17/02/2009

EXCLUSIVE! Nicole Gives!


Star puts money in 'Bank Aid' collection box

In a dramatic 'Illiterate and Fraudster' exclusive, we were witness to yet another piece of selfless largesse by Nicole Wallaby, the Australian multi, multi-millionaire actress as our camera's caught her stealthily leaving a secret donation in a 'Bank Aid' collection box near Threadneedle Street, London.

The action, witnessed by merely 2,700 of the worlds press reporters and photographers who had assembled outside the collection box following a press release issued in 36 languages, is just the latest in a stream of secret donations made to Lord Mesmo's burgeoning relief fund by International celebrities.

Lord Mesmo was said to be moved to tears, stating that "It's wonderful, how in times of the greatest despair this select group of people can be relied upon to bring the attention of the world to the thing closest to their hearts"... He was only able to add a croaking "God bless you" as he turned away from the cameras of the world in tears.

Expect more heart wrenching selflessness at the forthcoming "Bank Aid" Telethon.