Oscars special! Slumdog cast to have homes refurbished!

In a touching gesture, the Producers of that heart-warming Oscars smash 'Slumdog Billionaire-wallah' have teamed up with local Mumbai housing co-operatives and the BBC to dramatically improve the housing of some of the films young stars. I, of course will be doing my bit to help, dear reader.

In an attempt to counter claims of exploitation aimed at them by some narrow-minded Johnnies in the media, after the film crew wafted in and out of Mumbai leaving a handful of rupee and several empty minibars, the makers of the massively profitable production will be bringing 'Changing Rooms' to the slums of Mumbai for a 'Celebrity house makeover special'.

I understand that the festooned dandy of interiors, Larry Llewelyn-Bowen has himself been to Jewson to pick out the two new sheets of corrugated iron that they're going to put up and will probably paint them some shocking shade of pink and attach a knob of MDF and a scrunched up piece of kitchen foil to round off the whole shambles - Although I'm sure the young cast members will be delighted.

As an extra touch and to ensure my own name is on the credits, I have dispatched Fleur Largesse of the AMC's Arts funding committee forthwith to personally buy a new washing line from Dalston pound store to contribute.

In the meantime, shareholders will be delighted to know that I have sold the rights of this heart-warming piece of Sunday night wallpaper around the world for a dazzling amount of cash and we will be screening it to co-incide with the films release on DVD. I currently have Ms Largesse & Vouvray Fawn, my art critic, trying to round up some West End producer types to make a musical out of the whole thing to wring out what spare change we can... Who knows, we might even recoup the cost of dry-cleaning Bowen's bloody velvet jacket.

Anyway, that's all for now - Toodle Pip!

The slum area in which the film is based is regarded as one of the worlds poorest and most densley populated areas, with 1 million people living in an area the size of Central Park. Lord Mesmo owns Central Park.

God bless Madge!

Good to see in 'The Frauster' this week that Guest Freeloader is justifying her exorbitant expenses claims with a smashing report from the Oscars on my pal Madge.

Putting the curlers and hair-net to one side for the evening, the ex- Mrs Ritchie managed to 'scrub-up' OK, courtesy of several millions of dollars-worth of blagged diamonds. Fantastic! That girl has more gumption than Ronnie Biggs when it comes to sparklers and it was lovely to see her swathed from head to foot in Africa's finest - All in the name of... errr, Madge.

I took a heated call from my Diamond mine foreman Clerk Van Der Stormtrooper or 'The Big Stick' as my workers call him, saying that the chaps in the mines could barely contain themselves as piccies of the dear old material girl flashed out around the world. Nearly had another situation on our hands... But then again, that wouldn't be unusual, the bloody mineworkers are always kicking off about working conditions, getting paid, half of them getting crushed under millions of tons of rock or seeing daylight once a month... or something equally petty.

Still, it's small price to pay (literally) for getting the stones out of the Continent to see them draped over someone like Madonna... It makes all the misery worthwhile. Anyway, where was that phone, I must call the army and get them over to the pit-head.

Toodle-pip!

pic. Madonna and delighted diamond mine workers.

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All the news from the Oscars - THIS WEEK in 'The Fraudster'.

Who won what, who wore what, who slighted who, all this week your scintillating 'Fraudster' will be running thousands of lines of coverage and analysing, re-analysing and going deep, deep into the stories behind the stories at the glitziest event in the Universe this weekend.

Our teams of reporters, staying at the swankiest hotels in LA, will be dancing the night away with the stars to bring you the best Oscars stories.

From Polly Important who will be on the red carpet to bring you the drama as it unfolds to Cornelia Gushing our Celebrity Fashion correspondent, giving you the low-down on the hits and misses of what the stars were (or weren't) wearing.

Guest Freeloader rounds up the best of the party action while Pomegranate ChelseA and her constant companion Jemima Cheyne-Walk will be getting shitfaced all week to bring you exclusives from behind the red rope of the VIP area.

It's all for you, all this week at 'The Fraudster', the paper that's easily distracted. Read it now at

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Gabriel in Oscars integrity stand-off

Peter Gabriel has staged a protest for artistic integrity against the organisers of the 2009 Oscars by threatening to pull out of the ceremony if they carry out their threat to cut the performance of his nominated song to just 65 seconds.

The artistically inspired campaigner and former member of Genesis, is outraged at the proposed cut and is reported to be concerned that it undermines the integrity of his song from Wall•e, the animated blockbuster.

Sources close to the Oscars organisation are reporting that the committee are in turmoil at the potential loss of such a dramatic moment, adding that "Not hearing Peter sing while film plays of that little robot fella sweeping up could ruin the gravitas of whole ceremony".

Lord Mesmo is reported to be monitoring the situation and has reportedly offered archive footage of Tommy Steele singing "Little White Bull" if no compromise is found.