Oscars special! Slumdog cast to have homes refurbished!

In a touching gesture, the Producers of that heart-warming Oscars smash 'Slumdog Billionaire-wallah' have teamed up with local Mumbai housing co-operatives and the BBC to dramatically improve the housing of some of the films young stars. I, of course will be doing my bit to help, dear reader.

In an attempt to counter claims of exploitation aimed at them by some narrow-minded Johnnies in the media, after the film crew wafted in and out of Mumbai leaving a handful of rupee and several empty minibars, the makers of the massively profitable production will be bringing 'Changing Rooms' to the slums of Mumbai for a 'Celebrity house makeover special'.

I understand that the festooned dandy of interiors, Larry Llewelyn-Bowen has himself been to Jewson to pick out the two new sheets of corrugated iron that they're going to put up and will probably paint them some shocking shade of pink and attach a knob of MDF and a scrunched up piece of kitchen foil to round off the whole shambles - Although I'm sure the young cast members will be delighted.

As an extra touch and to ensure my own name is on the credits, I have dispatched Fleur Largesse of the AMC's Arts funding committee forthwith to personally buy a new washing line from Dalston pound store to contribute.

In the meantime, shareholders will be delighted to know that I have sold the rights of this heart-warming piece of Sunday night wallpaper around the world for a dazzling amount of cash and we will be screening it to co-incide with the films release on DVD. I currently have Ms Largesse & Vouvray Fawn, my art critic, trying to round up some West End producer types to make a musical out of the whole thing to wring out what spare change we can... Who knows, we might even recoup the cost of dry-cleaning Bowen's bloody velvet jacket.

Anyway, that's all for now - Toodle Pip!

The slum area in which the film is based is regarded as one of the worlds poorest and most densley populated areas, with 1 million people living in an area the size of Central Park. Lord Mesmo owns Central Park.

Lord Mesmo announces 'Angel of the South' winner!

The Arts world let slip a little squeal of delight this week when Lord Mesmo announced the winner of the hotly contested competition to erect a giant statue at Ebbsfleet, which would 'welcome' EuroStar visitors to Britain.

The winner of the project dubbed 'The Angel of the South' had been kept a closely guarded secret, media experts having controversial artists Albert Mockney and Sophie Ellis-Guttersnipe neck and neck going into the announcement by our Lord and mentor.

Lord Mesmo said at the official unveiling "We wanted something that would really sum up the spirit of what coming to Britain was like, something that would inspire our visitors and extend to them the hand of welcome from all the British people."

Pulling back the curtains on the scale model of the winner, Mr Mockney's 50ft high CCTV Camera, Lord Mesmo added "In this, I think we have found the true spirit of Britain and, I would venture to add, a little taster of things to come".

Miss Guttersnipe was said to be devastated that her 50ft high 'Rolled copy of the Daily Mail hitting an immigrant' hadn't won, but was delighted at least to have made the final selection.

Fleur Largesse, Chairperson of the AMC arts fund was unavailable for comment as she was sobbing with joy at the feet of Mr Mockney.