A brief email from Lord Mesmo in Horsham at the G20 summit.

Dear Miss T'su

Hope all going well with you and that things aren't too quiet in the News Blimp without me! I must say, it was all a bit bloody austere round here on the first day and all the blathering on about recession and wearing dark suits was starting to get me a bit peeved.

I was seriously thinking that the 'gang' had gone a bit soft until, midway through Darling droning on like a broken washing machine, a Champagne cork popped at the back of the hall and Merkel - Who I hadn't spotted slipping away from the table - Popped up out of a cake throwing bundles of Euro and wraps of bugle to the entire throng.

Seems like they'd hatched a surprise party for me and just wanted to see how far I could slump into boredom before I started trying to bag Gordon with Amelia Tweed's 12-Gauge (again).

Still, we have to be a bit careful this time round - These aren't the happy days of yore... Not like that wonderful time with you and I in Seattle eh? Oh, how you flushed with delight after a day out amongst the protesters with your new 5" heels and that signed Sammy Sosa 'Slugger' steel baseball bat... Happy days... Oh, where was I?

Ah yes, we have to be on the lookout this time as we have the 'New Boy's' people in town and what a very serious bunch they are - Not like the old lot. Seems like we have one on our hands that actually wants to get something done this time, but he'll soon learn.

Anyway, Szarkozy came up with a wizard wheeze and every time they came in the room he told them in earnest 'Franglais' that their Lord and Master had just been on the phone and that he sounded "Ze 'opping mad", they'd turn around so fast their heels left a mark on the parquet floor - Leaving us to get on with the real business.

So - We're midway through 'negotiations' about now and I reckon that Germany and Russia are about £10bn down each... Especially after I went all-in on that last hand and called Merkel's bluff and with no more than a pair of three's as well... Ha! At this rate, I reckon we should have the budgets balanced by the end of the week.

Anyway, must dash as Gordon is doing a press conference later and that's always good for a giggle.

Love to all and remember that the armoury is due a polish this Sunday... As if you would forget!

TTFN!

God bless Madge!

Good to see in 'The Frauster' this week that Guest Freeloader is justifying her exorbitant expenses claims with a smashing report from the Oscars on my pal Madge.

Putting the curlers and hair-net to one side for the evening, the ex- Mrs Ritchie managed to 'scrub-up' OK, courtesy of several millions of dollars-worth of blagged diamonds. Fantastic! That girl has more gumption than Ronnie Biggs when it comes to sparklers and it was lovely to see her swathed from head to foot in Africa's finest - All in the name of... errr, Madge.

I took a heated call from my Diamond mine foreman Clerk Van Der Stormtrooper or 'The Big Stick' as my workers call him, saying that the chaps in the mines could barely contain themselves as piccies of the dear old material girl flashed out around the world. Nearly had another situation on our hands... But then again, that wouldn't be unusual, the bloody mineworkers are always kicking off about working conditions, getting paid, half of them getting crushed under millions of tons of rock or seeing daylight once a month... or something equally petty.

Still, it's small price to pay (literally) for getting the stones out of the Continent to see them draped over someone like Madonna... It makes all the misery worthwhile. Anyway, where was that phone, I must call the army and get them over to the pit-head.

Toodle-pip!

pic. Madonna and delighted diamond mine workers.

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