More Enemies in our Midst!

Dear reader,

I know that it seems that I'm coming to you these days with ghastly warnings and plea's for help every two minutes... But I do beg you. Take note of our dear Miss Creep's new words of warning on terrorist activity.

She has singled out the following items as being potential terrorist threats in the wrong hands and so I would urge all of you once again to watch your neighbours, friends, family members and loved ones with an eagle eye and to suspect the enemy in our midst.

Contact Gertrude Creep or the Comfort & Safety Division at the slightest whiff of vanilla, or even if your partner should start taking potential 'practice swings' by carelessly tossing their shoes into the corner of the bedroom at night.

Remember... An enemy of Happiness is an enemy of National Unity and I know I can trust you to tell us as soon as you spot anything - After all, only those with anything to hide eh? And all that!

Toodle Pip!

Mesmo Talks Torture and Terror - The Truth!

Dear friends

I am not usually one to respond to tittle-tattle and speculation, in fact I normally despatch Miss T'su to have a word with any blighter doing the tattling and that is generally the end of it. However, there has been so much written of late about the detention of the enemies of happiness and National Unity at our 'Camp Cosy' on the Kent coast - That I thought it was time for me to set the record straight and with total clarity!

As you well remember, before our halcyon world began in 2001, reactionaries, urchins and general n'er-do-well's thronged the streets of our cherished cities spreading tales and promising discontent of the most dastardly nature. Slander against the very things that we hold dearest, lovely things which you and I know well and which need no mention.

In order to preserve those very things I just didn't mention, we decided to act, resulting in the revolutionary 'Comfort & Safety' cctv installation programme in which our beloved Head of Comfort & Safety - Gertrude Creep - Closely monitored the activities of anyone she suspected of not behaving in the spirit of National Unity or of generally 'acting in a funny way'. This extensive programme lead to thousands of anti-social crimes against happiness being detected.

Such was the nature of these crimes (Things such as decent people wouldn't do unless they were told to do so by somebody in authority that had done them or did to those that did the doing and that would have been done unless they had not been stopped from doing them by those that understood the doing was intended to be done, even if it hadn't been done yet, or had only thought of being done) That I was left with no alternative but to act and remove them from your happy midst for the sake of public safety.

This place was Camp Cosy.

While we at the AMC didn't publicly acknowledge the existence of Camp Cosy until last week and/or even confirm or deny the whereabouts of the people contained there, I can confirm categorically that they (whoever they may be) have been constantly cosy there since it's inception.

The facilities are extensive and luxurious and the guests (As they are referred to at all times to make them feel really at home) are very well looked after. Despite stories to the contrary spread by malicious journalists slipped torn notes on pieces of blood-stained and tattered uniform, there are virtually no physical methods used to teach them the error of their ways, with rehabilitation achieved through a series of deep meaningful discussions.

Granted, these discussions sometimes involve the playing of Iron Maiden or High School Musical at stadium volume for 96 hours straight, sometimes bright lights, being hooded or systematically threatened for days on end, sometimes even the occasional removal of perks such as light, air, food and water - but always under the watchful, concerned eye of the diabolical Miss T'su and instruction of Prof. Walter Panzer of the AMC Family Sciences Division.

There is categorically nothing that the Professor would refer to as torture and we should trust his view as, after all, he is an expert and veteran of many torture campaigns since the 1940's. Let us remind ourselves however, that Camp Cosy was established in direct answer to a very real threat to your happiness, comfort and safety... Something which I know that you know, we take very seriously here at the AMC.

And one final thing dear reader, let us also remember that only those doing anything wrong have anything to fear and that couldn't possibly include you as you're a good person with such a developed sense of National Unity*

So, let your children sleep safe in their beds in the knowledge that I am here and that National Unity prevails. Thank you as always for your support, and I'm so glad that I had this chance to put the record straight so unequivocally.

*Subject to status, terms and conditions.

READ ALL THE LATEST NEWS DAILY FROM THE 'ILLITERATE AND FRAUDSTER' ONLY AT ASTRO-MAN.COM

Hopes for anti-photography security bill to be extended

There are hopes that sweeping news laws introduced in the United Kingdom last week making it illegal to photograph a member of the Police or Armed Forces, could be extended worldwide and enhanced to cover their fictional counterparts.

The new law, under Section 76 of the counter terrorism act makes it an offence to gather information on the security services and could be used to prevent snooping and malicious journalists from trying to defame and besmirch the reputation of Lord Mesmo's trusted guardians of the peace.

Revealing the plans to a standing ovation at a packed Unity Plaza press conference, Gertrude Creep - head of the AMC's 'Comfort & Safety' program responded that she was "Open" to the idea of the law being extended to cover the filming of detective and police shows adding that "It might mean that I can go get a cup of coffee without hearing people droning on about last nights episode of The Wire".

Studio bosses were unavailable for comment, however it is believed that Miss Creep, Chief Insp. Elleray Bung and Miss T'su are all in negotiations over AMC approval of next season scripts as a stop-gap measure.

Former Intelligence leaders claims poo-pooed by real experts

Senior security service figures closed ranks last week against the 'Ramblings of a madwoman' by lampooning claims by ex MI5 Head, Stella Rimington that governments are exploiting the fear of terrorism to push through intrusive laws and destroy civil liberties.

In a rare interview, Commodore H. Fotheringay Bung, Head of the AMC Intelligence service described the accusations as "Balderdash" adding, 'The security services are merely...", before breaking off to scream "LOOK OUT, BEHIND YOU!!!!".

When he recovered his demeanour, Cdre Bung, wiping a little sweat from his top lip continued, "The security services are there for the protection of everyone and are merely monitoring the world situation with a view to... OH MY GOD, LOOK OUT, WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!"

From under the table, the Commodore concluded that everyone should "Rest assured that the AMC are doing everything they can to save the world from impending doom" and that while people shouldn't be worried unduly, "They shouldn't be surprised if their children are killed in their beds because of a lack of information on potential threats".

Miss T'su is currently helping Miss Rimington dig a big hole in her back garden and fill it with black plastic sheeting.

TOY OF THE WEEK!

Yes folks, It's our regular look at the toy world and it's latest spiffy products. This week, it's time to get your kiddies saving up for a Playmobil SWAT team. Teach them how to track crack running perp's in the middle of the night and bust out hostages with only minor collateral damage and acceptable casualties. Terrorists, agitators and enemies of happiness sold separately. Smashing.

Click Here

Great News! The World Just Got Safer!

In answer to your continued urging for a safer society, Lord Mesmo this week announced the latest vital weapon in the 'War against enemies of the people and happiness' by unveiling a massive new travel observation centre in Wythenshawe, near Manchester, England.

The centre, staffed with 300 Police and Immigration Officers will hold the travel records of every one of the 60 million inhabitants of Britain, as well as monitoring their credit card use and phone traffic while abroad.

Getrude Creep, Head of the AMC's 'Comfort & Safety' division gushed with enthusiasm for the project, which will build a complete profile of every person in the UK, storing information for over 10 years "Just in case they get up to anything naughty".

"It's a fantastic piece of equipment" she went on to explain "Which can detect, at the push of a button, excessive or irrational duty free purchasing for products such as Britney Spears new fragrance, people on a diet buying Giant Toblerone or even match text records of New Years resolutions against bulk pack cigarette purchases" before adding with a smile "This system will provide the AMC with saleable marketing data for generations to come".

It is not thought that the system will be able to detect terrorist activity but will at least be able to clarify if they had bought a gift pack of Brut 33 at any time before carrying out their dastardly act.

Lt. Augustine Bung, Head of Lord Mesmo's Secret Service denied that he existed and so was unavailable for comment.

TERRORIST ALERT!

Do you have a friend that owns one of these? If yes, please be vigilant as they are known to be used by terrorists. If You have a friend who owns, and regularly uses one of these then please watch their activities carefully and report them if they lock themselves away with it repeatedly for any stretch of time.

Remember, YOU are the greatest weapon against terrorism, so be alert and report any suspicious activity, strangers in your area or anyone you just don't like the look of.