Dear friends
I am not usually one to respond to tittle-tattle and speculation, in fact I normally despatch Miss T'su to have a word with any blighter doing the tattling and that is generally the end of it. However, there has been so much written of late about the detention of the enemies of happiness and National Unity at our 'Camp Cosy' on the Kent coast - That I thought it was time for me to set the record straight and with total clarity!
As you well remember, before our halcyon world began in 2001, reactionaries, urchins and general n'er-do-well's thronged the streets of our cherished cities spreading tales and promising discontent of the most dastardly nature. Slander against the very things that we hold dearest, lovely things which you and I know well and which need no mention.
In order to preserve those very things I just didn't mention, we decided to act, resulting in the revolutionary 'Comfort & Safety' cctv installation programme in which our beloved Head of Comfort & Safety - Gertrude Creep - Closely monitored the activities of anyone she suspected of not behaving in the spirit of National Unity or of generally 'acting in a funny way'. This extensive programme lead to thousands of anti-social crimes against happiness being detected.
Such was the nature of these crimes (Things such as decent people wouldn't do unless they were told to do so by somebody in authority that had done them or did to those that did the doing and that would have been done unless they had not been stopped from doing them by those that understood the doing was intended to be done, even if it hadn't been done yet, or had only thought of being done) That I was left with no alternative but to act and remove them from your happy midst for the sake of public safety.
This place was Camp Cosy.
While we at the AMC didn't publicly acknowledge the existence of Camp Cosy until last week and/or even confirm or deny the whereabouts of the people contained there, I can confirm categorically that they (whoever they may be) have been constantly cosy there since it's inception.
The facilities are extensive and luxurious and the guests (As they are referred to at all times to make them feel really at home) are very well looked after. Despite stories to the contrary spread by malicious journalists slipped torn notes on pieces of blood-stained and tattered uniform, there are virtually no physical methods used to teach them the error of their ways, with rehabilitation achieved through a series of deep meaningful discussions.
Granted, these discussions sometimes involve the playing of Iron Maiden or High School Musical at stadium volume for 96 hours straight, sometimes bright lights, being hooded or systematically threatened for days on end, sometimes even the occasional removal of perks such as light, air, food and water - but always under the watchful, concerned eye of the diabolical Miss T'su and instruction of Prof. Walter Panzer of the AMC Family Sciences Division.
There is categorically nothing that the Professor would refer to as torture and we should trust his view as, after all, he is an expert and veteran of many torture campaigns since the 1940's. Let us remind ourselves however, that Camp Cosy was established in direct answer to a very real threat to your happiness, comfort and safety... Something which I know that you know, we take very seriously here at the AMC.
And one final thing dear reader, let us also remember that only those doing anything wrong have anything to fear and that couldn't possibly include you as you're a good person with such a developed sense of National Unity*
So, let your children sleep safe in their beds in the knowledge that I am here and that National Unity prevails. Thank you as always for your support, and I'm so glad that I had this chance to put the record straight so unequivocally.
*Subject to status, terms and conditions.
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