Mesmo Memento's

Dear Miss T

Having a lovely time as usual… All the normal fun & hi-jinks. ‘Frau’ Angela drinking everyone under the table, and Vlad pissing in the plant-pots. Funniest thing has been seeing everyone trying to keep a straight face in front of the cameras… A great idea of mine to have the interviews outside to make it look cold and serious… Just as well the cameras didn’t pull back on Mr L’s interview, he had a pair of French Knickers on and was getting a hand-job off some chair-lift dolly from Slovenia. Anyway, must go… Gordon’s about to have us all in stitches, bless him.

Missing your stinging reviews of fiscal policy and your Tom Yum soup.

May I burden you with my thoughts?

Dear reader

It is not often that I burden you with my thoughts and, as you know too well, I am too modest a man to presume that you should even care to hear me through. But somehow you seem to cherish my every word so I’ll take up a few moments of your precious time if I may.

In the midst of these troubled times I’d like to thank you personally, from the bottom of my inestimable heart for the courage and pluck you have shown to keep us all on the straight and narrow. I would also like to thank you for the not insignificant contribution that you have made to the public coffers since this little unpleasantness descended upon us.

But it is this dear reader, which brings me to the crux of my communication today from Unity Plaza. I would like to take this opportunity to urge you to join in with our campaign to help a particularly suffering group of people… Poor helpless individuals left forlorn and without hope by the ravages of the economic downturn.

These poor creatures are having to get by on nothing but public money and good will since the start of the troubles and frankly my friends, the situation is becoming desperate… And it is for this reason that I would ask you to sign up for my 2009 ‘Bank AID’ appeal.

Directors have been rewarded with a measly one or two pay rises in the last year, many top executives have not been able to upgrade their cars for the 2009 models, bonuses remain unpaid and even certain expense accounts reviewed… A situation my conscience cannot let continue any further.

Having already donated many billions on your behalf from public funds, I am asking you to dig further and to join in. Have fund-raising days in your local communities, help a banks cash-flow by taking the local staff lunch, purchase one of the new ‘Bentley Bowlers’ for the front of your car or simply donate by credit card during the forthcoming telethon.

All I ask of you is to please help. Should the situation deteriorate there is a serious chance that one of our senior banking families may have to cancel a holiday or even winter in Biarritz and that, my dear, dear friends, would be just too horrible a thought to bear.

Many thanks & god bless you all.

Lord Mesmo.

Job loss a serious threat for Monocle manufacturers

Bleak economic news again as McWhitthins & Sons of Berkhamstead become the latest potential victims of the economic crisis.

McWhittins have been making fine crafted monocles for over three centuries and despite the fact that their sole remaining customer is Lord Mesmo, are desperate to keep on their staff of 2,500.

“It is essential that we receive government support now!” said their Chairman Lord ‘Rusty’ McWhittin, adding “I know that people say we are not relevant to today’s society and are an overstaffed, inefficient dinosaur, but then how can they justify not bailing us out when the Car industry are getting billions?”

Lord Mesmo will be giving the matter his own personal attention at a golf lunch & champagne jamboree with top economists and the Directors the major high street banks.



Miss T’su’s fervent assistant, Helga Von Frau wearing one of Lord Mesmo’s trusty McWhitthins.

Toy of the week.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0002CYTL2/ref=cm_rdp_product

Social responsibility corner

Lord Mesmo always likes to give credit to organisations who take their social responsibility seriously… This week, the focus falls on McDonalds.

Lord Mesmo says “Thanks Big Mac!”

http://www.mcdonalds.com/usa/work/socialresp.html

Bank Aid! Show a bank you care…

As part of Lord Mesmo’s revolutionary ‘Bank Aid’ program, an exciting range of merchandise and fund-raising items are shortly to be announced, including ‘Bowlers for Bentley’s’… Fun plastic bowler hats that can be purchased and attached to front of your car to show your support.

Sponsorship packs and fun ideas to support a bank in your area will also be available from outlets displaying the ‘Bank Aid’ logo.

Come on, give your local bank a hug and enlist today!

Thank You! Mesmo

We understand that the friends of Lord Mesmo have launched a campaign to raise support for our beloved leader in these difficult times.

From his lofty News blimp over Europe, Lord Mesmo would like to publicly thank them for their sincerity and for their love.

“In these difficult days it is reassuring to know that I have the love and admiration of so many people”, he told our reporter, adding, “Feedback like this is such a wonderful thing and very touching… After all, one of my goals is to touch as many people out there as I can.”

Lord Mesmo however is a man of the people and never one to hog the glory as he modestly shared the praise with his staff at the AMC “My people are working tirelessly for YOUR future and while this temporary blip has seen the collapse of all forms of employment, industry and the housing market, their efforts can never be faulted.”

Lord Mesmo and Miss T’su are currently carrying out staff reviews in a sub-basement of Unity Plaza.

Economy special - Lord Mesmo unveils master plan!

In direct response to the financial fears that you, his dear public have voiced, Lord Mesmo today unveiled plans for further supporting the struggling banking industry.

‘Bank Aid’ will be a two-pronged attack that will enable to public to further support the banking industry in a number of innovative and exciting ways.

First, will be a 10-hour telethon and entertainment spectacular, hosted by Tess Daly & Bruce Forsythe with guest appearances by the cast of Holby City, the Judges of Strictly Come Dancing and featuring musical performances from Katy Perry and Girls Aloud. The show aims to raise at least £20m to subsidise Directors pay over the forthcoming 12 months and to enable bonuses and share-options to be met as normal.

This will then be followed by a local ‘Adopt-a-Bank’ scheme, where members of local communities will join a roster to provide lunches, soup and afternoon Coffee and biscuits to beleaguered banking staff, suffering from the effects of the downturn.

It’s hoped that the scheme will be extended to the insurance sector, however calls for help to schools, local hospital staff and emergency services have been rightly dismissed as preposterous and not being in the public interest.

Lord Mesmo is currently in negotiation with several US networks for a stateside version of the plan… Rumoured to involve Bono, Beyonce and Simon Cowell.

Inauguration Special! Obama Presidency a new era… Fashionista’s not so sure.

Barack Obama may have won the US election with a landslide but there’s one block of voters who may prove a stubborn obstacle to his sweeping reforms and social care programs.

Fashion experts across the globe are only extending a cautious welcome to the Obama’s and the new leader of the free world may need to devote many hours or even open a consultation role in his new government to key magazine columnists if he’s to win the battle of the Whitehouse wardrobe.

After Michelle Obama’s inauguration outfit drew gasps and stinging reproach from several fashion editors of the top glossies, there was concern among Oval Office advisors that health reforms may need to take a back seat to the important area of fashion PR.

One insider said confidentially “Never mind closing Guantanamo or solving the financial downturn, we have to nip this fashion criticism in the bud or there might not be a second term… These magazines can be vicious.”

Lord Mesmo was unavailable for comment as he and Miss T’su were in an urgent meeting with Grazia.

Inauguration Special! Middle class groups concerned at shortage of black friends – Lord Mesmo to act

As Barack Obama is sworn in to herald a new dawn in US politics, experts have warned against a shortage of black friends among the dinner party circuits of North America and Europe.

Lord Mesmo has stated today that he will act to introduce a sweeping program of enlistment to bring assistance to the millions of couples who could be potentially embarrassed by not having any black friends to patronise with their support at domestic gatherings across the globe.

He warned however that there would be no ‘quick fix’ and experts fear that until the school system & social investment infrastructure can catch up with Mr Obama’s unexpected rise to power, many suffering young professionals may have to turn to one of the many ‘rent a black friend’ organisations that have sprung up to meet demand.

A spokesperson for the Dinner Party Organisers Trust of America said that could in turn be disastrous for it’s members, not only in terms of high demand making choice of skin tone difficult but adding that the increased cost taken in conjunction with the financial downturn might make hors d’oeuvres a thing of the past.

http://www.rent-a-negro.com/

Lord Mesmo’s EU installation has members in an air’Fix’.

An art piece commissioned by Lord Mesmo to celebrate European unity and the Czech Presidency of the EU was unveiled today at the European headquarters of the AMC.

The art installation, resembling a giant model kit and by controversial artist Alf Mockney (of Shoreditch & Belgravia) caused heated debate as it depicted the members of the EU getting on with each other in a harmonious way and working toward the common good of all people.

Following complaints from the foreign ministers of all the major EU members, the piece was temporarily removed and Lord Mesmo’s office apologised immediately for what was such an obvious & terrible mistake.

A spokesperson said later “Mr Mockney was entrusted with a sacred commission and betrayed that trust by replacing his original sketches and concepts of flagrant distrust and petty back-biting with this disgusting piece of saccharine clap-trap”, he further added however that in this approach alone he had shown himself worthy of a seat at the EU.

The British minister was unavailable for comment, as he has no idea where the EU building is.

Leader of the Free World arrives in Washington.

The world watched in hushed tones as a man who speaks for an entire continent strode to the stage in Washington on Sunday to address a raptured audience of thousands and a TV audience of millions.

In his usual self-effacing manner, the man of the moment gave praise to the people who had made it possible and thanked them, for helping him take his rightful place in history. Then, having wowed the crowd, he stepped aside to let his people acknowledge the President elect.

Mr Obama said that he was really honoured to have met Bono. Lord Mesmo is still in the queue.

Lord Mesmo declares AMC ‘Behemoth’ Server “Greenest yet

In the wake of startling allegations of the amount of CO2 released by even the simplest Google search, Lord Mesmo has today praised the operating performance of his Behemoth range of servers & called on the industry to follow the ever-strident lead of his teams of scientists.

Speaking by telex from ‘Unity Plaza’, our noble leader pointed to the colossal pieces of hardware developed by Prof. Walter Panzer of the AMC ‘Weapons & Family Sciences Division’ as being green on two counts… Firstly, that they clear huge areas of messy trees in order fire the power station to build them and secondly, that each server produces enough heat to power a city the size of Buenos Aires (thankfully, Buenos Aires is already warm enough).

Prof. Panzer, who studied in a secret location in Berlin during his youth and later honed his skills and tan in Argentina, was delighted his department had been singled out by the illustrious one for praise – “We don’t get much contact with Lord Mesmo down here in the underground bunker”, he burbled delightedly.

AMC behemoth servers are currently in mass production and are widely used throughout the business world. Their emissions are offset by the generous donation of unpaid working hours by the young Philippine & Indonesian factory staff.

Prince in racism storm

Prince Archie was today embroiled in a bitter storm of racism after being taped calling a member of his platoon a ‘Paki’ - This, hot on the heels of his hilarious swastika armband gag at a friends fancy dress party in 2005.

Colleagues immediately rallied around the young heir and potential King, defending the act as a harmless bit of banter between friends and as having been blown out of all proportion by an overly PC media and anti-royalists.

Major Gen. Huffington-Smyth, a spokesperson for Royal & Military affairs fervently denied that the military or the monarchy were inherently racist adding that “I’m certain of it, as sure as my shoes are nigger brown”.

Lord Mesmo was unavailable for comment as he was attending a lodge meeting at Sandhurst.

Obama to meet the people in brand new Presidential Car – Mesmo Corp Weapons & Petroleum Division involved!

Lord Mesmo was delighted to announce that he will not be selling the plans to the New Presidential ‘Beast’ Limousine on e-bay as he originally intended but that he will instead be enhancing the share value of the Mesmo-Corp Petroleum Division by exchanging them for a lifetime contract to fuel the ‘new wheels’ of the Leader of the Free World.

The armoured and bulletproofed titan, developed by GM in conjunction with Lord Mesmo’s very own Weapons & Family Sciences Division, can reportedly keep out chemical, nuclear and biological attacks as well as repelling a hoody with a coat-hangar.

It was the ‘beasts’ capacious hunger fuel however that caught the eye of our beloved leader, as he sought yet another opportunity to bring dividends to you, the dear shareholder.

Requiring constant refuelling and to be permanently attached to a supply tanker - A short drive through the centre of Washington should produce enough revenue to offset the entire credit crunch and keep Miss T’su in leather gloves for a fortnight.

Excellent work Lord Mesmo!