Spiffing News!

There's some smashing news on the way, about how to keep up on all the latest AMC goings-on! Keep checking here but it seems that I will have my own news website from the end of May. Hoorah!

Check www.astromancorps.com for more details at the end of the month. Until then TTFN & Jolly good luck to you all!

Many Happy Returns from the G20 summit!

Well dear readers, what a lovely few days and I must say that it's a little bit of a challenge writing this today as your dear lord and mentor is nursing just the tinciest hangover.

The G20 was a rousing success and good larks were had by all. It was a little difficult this year to have quite the japes we normally do as that Obama chap kept popping up and trying to be serious about everything. Thankfully though, Silvio was on hand to run 'interference' and every time we spotted the aloof troublemaker coming our way to put the dampers on, we'd just send old 'Bellers' out to fawn all over him like a wet puppy.

It worked a bloody treat I can tell you - After 2 hours just the sight of the Italian slicked-back raven locks were enough to prompt a squeaking of heals on the marble floor and a swift retreat to a roomfull of burly CIA types with dark glasses and 56" chests in badly fitting black suits.

Only trouble with Silvio is that, once you've let him off the leash you just can't do a bloody thing with him and he only went and upset 'Lady Babs' by his constant hounding and haranguing of the Omnipotent one during the photo-call. You had to laugh.

Still, it did leave us clear for a few fun and games and thankfully Merkel was on form - Sticking 'Kick me' post-it's on Gordon's back every time he got up from his chair had us in stitches and it always amazes me the capacity for Schnapps that woman has.

I must say that Sarkozy was a bit of a disappointment this time round. He's normally one of the main ringleaders at the after-hours excursions around the seedier back-roads of town but he spent most of this trip on the bloody phone to Carla or getting pussy-whipped up and down Bond Street, as she geared up for the big 'Fashion-Off' with Michelle 'O' in Paris - I haven't seen that many shopping bags since Miss T'su went to the leather and PVC expo.

Talking of the crack of whip and click of pointed heel - It was magnificent to see the delectable one in full flow against the great unwashed out on the streets in Bishopsgate. Law and Order has never been as high on my agenda, so to speak, as when discipline is being administered to the masses by my faithful right hand henchwoman.

Anyway. You'll be glad to know that in the midst of all the fun and frolics, we got lots of work done and that we signed a great BIG cheque for trillions of dollars to... well... Ourselves. So, jolly fine work 'us' and it's next stop Japan in the autumn.

Some of the gang had wanted the Caribbean for our 'validation' meeting but I pointed out that it was closer to the US and it would mean more of Obama's lot turning up and spoiling the fun - And anyway, the Sake is always so good at that time of year.

That's all for now chums! Toodle-Pip and see you soon for more on the 'Summer of Unity!'

Summer of Unity - Fun for everyone!

Following is a full transcript of Lord Mesmo's announcement of the details for the 'Summer of Unity', as read by Bertram Twist - Minister for Populist Ideas, at yesterdays sell-out Unity Plaza press conference.


Dear All

There come several points in the long life of a Press Baron, Humanitarian, Father of the People and Humble Servant of the Masses that bring him true pleasure. One was of course the founding of the AMC way back in those heady days of the Falklands in 1982, another was my declaration of World Harmony in 2001. There have been several with Miss T'su but maybe this isn't the time or place.

Anyway, this dear friends is just one of those moments. A date that defines who were are and all that we stand for as we strive to build a better world that all our children might sleep safely in their beds. A world of happiness, joy and National Unity.

There are many out there who fear for our sweet world, but not I. I know only how wonderful and lovely all you loving friends can be to each other - And when Commodore Fotheringay H. Bung of the Secret Service, or 'Bungers of Whitehall' as I playfully call him, came to see me a few short weeks ago he was in a state of positive agitation.

"The people will be rioting in the streets" he said, "Unemployment will create dissent and disorder" he cried, "Mayhem and protest on an unheard of scale" he sobbed. Well, my happy people, I turned to dear 'Bungers' and I placed a loving friend's hand on his heaving shoulder and I offered him a crumb of comfort.

Dear friends,do you know what I said to him? Of course not,silly me, as we were in the high security wing of Unity Plaza at the time but I shall tell you, my eager, rapt followers. I said to him, "Bungers my dear, I know these people. They are my children, my family, my flesh and blood. These are not oiks, urchins and n'er-do-well riff-raff... Mere troublemongers or bolsheviks... These are the life-blood of this fair country. The sons of honest toil and daughters of sweet innocence".

"No", I said to him, "We do not need to fear this summer - Despite the hardship, the unemployment, the soaring taxes, the lack of food in the shops or the spiraling house repossessions - These people trust us, they believe in us and what they need is a jolly good knees up and a bit of sing-song to get morale back again".

He looked slightly nonplussed and started to gesticulate wildly, pointing to graphs, maps, charts and copies of 'Mesmobook' conversations printed out in stark black & white. I stopped him with a considerate but firmly raised palm and a gentle shake of my head as I settled back into my honest and humble leather chair.

"Trust in the people", I said "They will know the right thing to do".

And so, here we are dear friends. After three weeks of frenzied planning and many, many late nights of Myself and Miss T'su thrashing through details we humbly present to you... YOUR Summer of Unity.

A three month celebration of everything good and glorious in or beloved land and a chance to gird ourselves for the difficult tasks ahead. To joyfully participate in the preparation of the country's defences against evil and to work hand-in-hand to provide a better, safer, happier world of National Unity for our children.

Details will be published in the press of individual events, however I can give you a little taster of the fun to come.

We kick off the hi-jinks with a smashing free concert, here at Unity Plaza. Thousands of you will throng to hear the latest 80's inspired pop sounds and the wistful harmonic meanderings of Furry Grizzly Fleet Animal Banana Foxy Panda Bear Collective.

Then, it's three months of fun community activities and street parties - Including.

• Family CCTV installations or 'Help-Cam-Raising's' as we call them, where you and your family can sponsor and erect a CCTV camera near your home linked to our National Unity monitoring centre.
• Help a Bobby Catch a Terrorist week, where playful children can run up and down the streets 'tagging' people the family suspect of terrorism or beastliness.
• Ring-a Ring-O' Barbed Wire games, where secure fences and nice safe rolls of barbed wire can be placed around the houses of very important people and selfless, hard-working AMC employees.
• Secure the Neighbourhood Day, where we place a community helper on each street corner to check and make sure that everyone is safe and has the right i.d. papers (oh, what fun we'll have with any hilarious mix-up's).
• Staring at Strangers competitions - Where we sponsor the little ones to stare at strangers in the community until they go away or crumble in their wickedness.
... And finally, a country-wide 'Search for Unity' celebrity TV talent show.

All this culminates with Wicker Man burnings and firework parties up and down the whole country.

My dear, dear friends... What rosy-cheeked fun we'll have this summer with all these activities to keep us busy. Why, with all this to do, who'll have time to think of being grumpy or an enemy of happiness eh? Not that any of you were thinking of that anyway... Dear old Bungers, he's such a 'Worry-Wendy'.

Here's to the summer fun and YOUR Summer of Unity.

Until then, toodle pip!

Marvellous News!

Today sees the publication of our 5-point plan to stimulate the economy called 'Creating an Environment of Prosperity'. It's the culmination of two months-worth of exhaustive work by Sir St. John Stash-Gladwrap and his robust and energetic Head Researcher Miss Stockingtop. All the details can be found in the Illiterate & Fraudster, TODAY!

Also, don't forget to come back later to see the official announcement of the plans for our 'Summer of Unity'. I'll start speaking at Unity Plaza around lunchtime, so as Miss T'su would sarcastically say, expect something around four! Ha, bless her... What a rapier wit. Well, what a rapier anyway & how very dextrous she is with it. Hmmm.

Sorry, where was I? Ah yes, what a fabulous day for News... Read all about it, eh?!

To read the ILLITERATE AND FRAUDSTER Click Here

A little catch up

Dear All

How lovely it is to be back with you after an exhausting week on the News Blimp, monitoring the financial situation, the growing security crisis, planning the 'Summer of Unity' and trying to keep up with the endless 80's revival pop-reunions. However, as I sat by the fire in Unity Plaza last night - Sipping a fine Brandy and hearing the distant wafting sounds of Miss T'su listening to her whip-crack relaxation tapes in the Zen suite - I got to thinking that not only hadn't I spoken to you, the dear sweet loving public in a while but also that I had some lovely news to tell you.

So, gather round, and I'll run through a few events of my tempestuous week in a little Mesmo Memento.

Firstly, I would like to thank Gertrude Creep, Head of Comfort & Safety for her continued vigilance. I know of no other member of the AMC who works so tirelessly to tackle the difficult security issues we face. Of course, I do personally, think the poor woman needs to stop staring at the CCTV images of her back garden for a little while as muttering "They're coming, they're coming" repeatedly under your breath while quaffing jugs of black coffee and rocking backwards and forwards in your chair can be slightly unsettling for the staff but you can't fault her commitment.

You will glad to know that I have personally sent round a case of AMC 'Cucumber cathode cure-all eye soother', so that she might ease out those dark circles from under her eyes. From your letters I could tell that some of you were concerned that she had moved in with pulsating pop punch-bag Rihanna, but I can assure you that it was the net result of 120 hours straight watching the old goggle-box and monitoring Mesmobook for evil baddies in our midst.

In the news, I was touched to see the Obama's 'digging for victory' by turning an area of the White House lawn into a market garden and never one's to miss out on a wizard wheeze, we here at Unity Plaza have taken up the 'grow your own' cudgel with vehemence and have so far turned three inner city play areas into gardens growing herbs and rocket for the AMC staff canteen. In fact, as we speak, the quality of the produce has been so highly commended that we are opening up a wholesale division to supply the upmarket restaurants of Marylebone and Park Avenue. Profits will of course immediately be put to good use and will be added to the burgeoning 'Bank Aid' pot.

Gordon and Alistair have also decided to turn their hands to the soil. I understand from Simeon Leak, the No.10 press secretary that they are planting something a little more in line with their character... At last report they were aiming for complete Lemons and a pair of Prize Plums but I've yet to have that confirmed.

It was also refreshing to see that 'Inky Needles', my ex Batman and occasional late-night limousine driver has been putting himself to good community use by reversing the current sad trend in job losses. 'Fumbles' his chain of Gentlemen's establishments has been overrun recently with applicants for jobs in the 'lounge' area. It seems as well that the quality of applicant has been greatly improved by the current credit crisis and at last count included the daughters of several Company Directors, Society Hostesses and a smattering of ex dot-com millionaires.

Far from being unsuited to the job, it seems that endless pole-dance keep-fit lessons have provided him with a plethora of pre-trained talent and that the successful applicants will require no more than an afternoons 'on the job' training from Mr Needles himself. How it just goes to prove that all those endless Pussycat Dolls pop videos proved a positive influence for the employment credentials of a generation.

Anyway - Back to the good news I promised you... After all, I wouldn't be your dear friend and protector if I didn't leave you with a few good tidings to keep you warm and safe in your beds of an evening.

You'll be delighted to hear that after battering a few unwashed oiks around the ear and sending the ardent Miss Von Frau round to a few management companies, we've finally concluded the line-up for our 'Summer of Unity' concert and plans for the 'Summer of Unity' festival of fun. I shall be announcing the full details on Monday and detailing all the forthcoming bumper family entertainment but in the meantime, you can see following a little peek at the lovely poster designed by 'Severe Fringe' of Hoxton. Copies of this and other promotional material will of course be made available for you school, workplace or office.

One last piece of good news which is guaranteed to be good news, is that I've finally concluded the plan for 'Financial Good News' with Sir St. John Stash-Gladwrap and again, full details will be announced on Monday with a preview available through at least one newspaper over the weekend courtesy of Simeon Leak, the No.10 press secretary.

So, take a look back here on at The Fraudster on Monday to find out all the latest! In the meantime, take very good care of yourselves and keep clear of Gertrude's secure environment.

GorSumm

True Heroes!

Dear Reader

Anyone who reads Candida Upright-Worthy's moving tale of Banker Ridgewell Hawkins in the Guest Column of 'The Fraudster' this week will know what depths of suffering are being wrought by the current crisis.

It is through your fortitude and perceverance that we have so far been able to save these noble family institutions and help people like Ridgewell in their hour of need but - As is so often the case - There is more we need to do to face up to our responsibilities if we are to make it through the maelstrom that still awaits us.

It is to this end that I would like us all to stand up and applaud one group of people who, in the midst of crisis, are marching us from the potential ruins of civilisation toward a brighter tomorrow. A group whose selfless commitment to society is a shining light to all those blighters and n'er-do-wells clogging up the system with their gnashing of teeth.

I refer of course dear reader, to the social elites of our delightful halcyon world - The Park Avenue Promenaders, The Sloane Street shoppers, The Fashion week Fashionista's and yes, even the poor Beleagured Bankers. These hard-pressed and tireless individuals are battling away, in spite of enormous financial pressures, to retain their way of life and keep the wheels of industry turning with their extravagant spending and rampant globe-trotting.

If I may coin a phrase and old acquaintance of mine once used... Never before in the field of retail, was so much owed by so few to so many on so few credit cards.

The single-minded determination of these hardy consumers, from The Paris shows to the Polo season is a joy to behold and how wonderful that so many are flying the flag of economic recovery by ensuring that they are spotted at as many parties as possible in as many outfits as possible. Thankfully, there are countless magazines and websites on hand to document these splendid individuals and it is heartwarming to me that you, my dear, dear friends out there, take so much time out of your day to read about and admire their selfless devotion to society in the pages of the weekly glossies.

These people are just like you and I, only better. So on behalf of everyone, I would like to thank them... My peerless champions of consumerism. You are dazzling bastions of 'Business as Usual' and your flagrant disregard for those who doubt our time-honoured way of doing things is a true example of how to deal with the Enemies of Happiness and National Unity in our midst.

We can only dream to be as wonderful as you, but we can all do our bit by ensuring that we buy something shiny, expensive or glamorous this week. I know that Miss T'su and I will certainly do our bit... Will you prove your National Unity by doing yours?

My highest praises to the man on the beat in the middle of the 'Top Model' mayhem!

Dear All

I know that I've not spoken to you for a little while but I would just like to take this opportunity to commend one dear brave soul on his selfless devotion to duty and steadfastness in the face of a crisis. A true man of the people, who's sense of National Unity is so far advanced that he shines like a beacon of 'Keep Calm and Carry On' to us all.

While singing this unsung (until now) heroes praises, I must also put my hands up and admit, for it is possible, that I was wrong and am to blame for this weekends disgraceful scenes in Bletchley at the 'Mesmo's Next Top Model Housewife' casting.

I am of course, referring to Constable Alf Garnett, who single handedly and armed with nothing else other than a set of bicycle clips and 10p for the phone, managed to calm a potentially disastrous situation and bring order to what is normally an orderly High Street.

The full catalogue of terrible events on that day is told in this weeks 'Fraudster', however I would just like to add that even though it later transpired that Mrs Hetty Emersdale wasn't jumping the queue and was in fact going to see Mrs Tattershall outside the Wool Shop, there can be no excuse for tutting of such a nature to break out as would cause the brave Const. Garnett to cycle 5 miles to telephone Const. Graveny for back-up - Especially as Constable Graveny was having his tea at the time.

Neither, can I in any way condone the throwing of baking produce under any circumstances. A scone can be a dangerous object in trained hands and we can all thank the Lord that there we no injuries (other than Mrs Wainwright, who suffered a laddered stocking from Mrs. Fox's umbrella).

I understand that after the crowd had cleared, the debris of this melee took Mr Braggin's boy, Raymond, two or three minutes to clear up with his dust-pan and brush and I can only apologise to them for any inconvenience caused by the to-do.

I have every admiration for the Ladies who ventured out for the casting and their sense of queueing etiquette, however I would caution them in future against taking the matter or the law into their own hands. To this end, both Constables Garnett AND Graveny will be on duty for next weeks casting to ensure proper decorum will be maintained at all times.

On a personal note, I would just also like to commend the Ladies on some quite exceptional Millinery. Good show.

Yours, Lord M.

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More Enemies in our Midst!

Dear reader,

I know that it seems that I'm coming to you these days with ghastly warnings and plea's for help every two minutes... But I do beg you. Take note of our dear Miss Creep's new words of warning on terrorist activity.

She has singled out the following items as being potential terrorist threats in the wrong hands and so I would urge all of you once again to watch your neighbours, friends, family members and loved ones with an eagle eye and to suspect the enemy in our midst.

Contact Gertrude Creep or the Comfort & Safety Division at the slightest whiff of vanilla, or even if your partner should start taking potential 'practice swings' by carelessly tossing their shoes into the corner of the bedroom at night.

Remember... An enemy of Happiness is an enemy of National Unity and I know I can trust you to tell us as soon as you spot anything - After all, only those with anything to hide eh? And all that!

Toodle Pip!

A brief email from Lord Mesmo in Horsham at the G20 summit.

Dear Miss T'su

Hope all going well with you and that things aren't too quiet in the News Blimp without me! I must say, it was all a bit bloody austere round here on the first day and all the blathering on about recession and wearing dark suits was starting to get me a bit peeved.

I was seriously thinking that the 'gang' had gone a bit soft until, midway through Darling droning on like a broken washing machine, a Champagne cork popped at the back of the hall and Merkel - Who I hadn't spotted slipping away from the table - Popped up out of a cake throwing bundles of Euro and wraps of bugle to the entire throng.

Seems like they'd hatched a surprise party for me and just wanted to see how far I could slump into boredom before I started trying to bag Gordon with Amelia Tweed's 12-Gauge (again).

Still, we have to be a bit careful this time round - These aren't the happy days of yore... Not like that wonderful time with you and I in Seattle eh? Oh, how you flushed with delight after a day out amongst the protesters with your new 5" heels and that signed Sammy Sosa 'Slugger' steel baseball bat... Happy days... Oh, where was I?

Ah yes, we have to be on the lookout this time as we have the 'New Boy's' people in town and what a very serious bunch they are - Not like the old lot. Seems like we have one on our hands that actually wants to get something done this time, but he'll soon learn.

Anyway, Szarkozy came up with a wizard wheeze and every time they came in the room he told them in earnest 'Franglais' that their Lord and Master had just been on the phone and that he sounded "Ze 'opping mad", they'd turn around so fast their heels left a mark on the parquet floor - Leaving us to get on with the real business.

So - We're midway through 'negotiations' about now and I reckon that Germany and Russia are about £10bn down each... Especially after I went all-in on that last hand and called Merkel's bluff and with no more than a pair of three's as well... Ha! At this rate, I reckon we should have the budgets balanced by the end of the week.

Anyway, must dash as Gordon is doing a press conference later and that's always good for a giggle.

Love to all and remember that the armoury is due a polish this Sunday... As if you would forget!

TTFN!

Killing It Up 'Kili' THE CONCLUSION!

Don't forget to check the ENTERTAINMENT section of 'The Fraudster' for the latest and final instalment of Cassandra Thrombosis gripping 'Bank Aid' adventure 'Up Kili' with her team of intrepid celebrities.

Only in The Illiterate and Fraudster TODAY!

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