My favourite OTHER Corporations

All you unwashed layabouts out there like to give us chaps that run the big corporations a hard time of it in general, so in these little moments, I like to draw your attention to the warm fuzzy side of some of our business colossi.

This week, it's the turn of Halliburton to go under the soft focus. Now these chaps really are fellows after my own heart and while I can't help but admire the single-mindedness of their ruthless business model, their website reveals that they're also fluffy kittens at heart - Taking it upon themselves to teach us about their version of sustainability (there's even a fun little flash movie!).

Elsewhere, if you have a look around, there's a touching bit about their annual golf day in which all the execs and suppliers get together to raise money for good causes... And how well they've been going at it too, with an average of just over $230,000 per year going to 55 charities, that's a huge 0.000015% of their annual turnover. Well done chaps!!!

Anyway, read on to find out more about those big-hearted giants at Halliburton say thanks for being trusted with the $18bn contract for Iraq and deals like the $385m dollars for building Department of Homeland Security 'welcoming centres'.

Halliburton, I salute you!

Come here and be hugged by Halliburton


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My favourite toy this week! (Apart from the 'ahem', things that Miss T'su bought round the other night, but that's another matter... Hmm)

I like to give you people out there a little pointer for some fabulous things to entertain the kiddywinks with. Personally, I prefer to give them the magnificent AMC K-74 'Widowmaker' assault rifle but I know that some of the more flighty among you blanch at stuff like that, so here's an alternative.

Steering clear of well-designed delights of light weaponry, there's nothing finer than a toy that helps them get to grips with the word of the Lord... Ha ha, no, not me my happy friends! Not that Lord... 'THE' Lord (although I would urge you to take heed of my word too, I would never suppose to step on 'his' toes).

Those Johnnies at that fine publication 'The Fraudster' (see astro-man.com for the latest) run a regular column on their favourite playthings of the moment and have unearthed this little gem. A fine teaching device that will help your young ones - With a little encouragement and maybe missing a few meals - Be fluent with the word of the other Lord. Smashing!

Click on the link below and you too could maybe benefit from a few words to the wise.

Toodle pip & Amen!

Click here to hear the good news!


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My 'Summer of Unity'

While some dreary doom-mongers and opponents of National Unity are predicting a summer of unrest and demonstration following the recent media-led downturn in the economy, I Lord Mesmo, have vowed to bring the simple fun back into life and make this a summer of fun with a 'Summer of Unity Spectacular'.

I will be revealing full details soon through this very blog and the Illiterate and Fraudster, but rest-assured that I will be making it a special summer of fun, fun, fun for all your followers of the AMC out there.

Not that I will be concentrating on just having a good time - Although I do like doing that, especially when Miss T'su's ardent assistant Helga Von Frau pops round to the News Blimp with a copy of the Daily Mail and a sack of kittens - Where was I? Oh yes, the "Summer of Unity' is also about getting our sleeves rolled up and exercising our 'Love the Community' muscle!

There will be massive 'Back to work' initiatives and everyone will be able to help take part in extending our 'Comfort & Safety' programme by sponsoring and putting up a cctv camera in an area near you. There will be competitions for putting barbed wire and security fences around the areas that my pals live in, while some of you will even have the chance to join our rapidly expanding 'Local Friendliness' support & security teams!

Now, let's not get too excited just yet and forget about the hard work immediately to hand - But rest-assured dear reader, I am busy thinking of ways to keep you busy and diverted over the coming months and how to make sure you are well and truly taken care of in the event of trouble!

Toodle pip & watch this space for more info as soon as I finish with that sack of kittens.

Pic. 'Local Friendliness' Comfort & Safety teams - Heading to an area near you soon!

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God bless Madge!

Good to see in 'The Frauster' this week that Guest Freeloader is justifying her exorbitant expenses claims with a smashing report from the Oscars on my pal Madge.

Putting the curlers and hair-net to one side for the evening, the ex- Mrs Ritchie managed to 'scrub-up' OK, courtesy of several millions of dollars-worth of blagged diamonds. Fantastic! That girl has more gumption than Ronnie Biggs when it comes to sparklers and it was lovely to see her swathed from head to foot in Africa's finest - All in the name of... errr, Madge.

I took a heated call from my Diamond mine foreman Clerk Van Der Stormtrooper or 'The Big Stick' as my workers call him, saying that the chaps in the mines could barely contain themselves as piccies of the dear old material girl flashed out around the world. Nearly had another situation on our hands... But then again, that wouldn't be unusual, the bloody mineworkers are always kicking off about working conditions, getting paid, half of them getting crushed under millions of tons of rock or seeing daylight once a month... or something equally petty.

Still, it's small price to pay (literally) for getting the stones out of the Continent to see them draped over someone like Madonna... It makes all the misery worthwhile. Anyway, where was that phone, I must call the army and get them over to the pit-head.

Toodle-pip!

pic. Madonna and delighted diamond mine workers.

READ ALL THE LATEST NEWS DAILY FROM THE 'ILLITERATE AND FRAUDSTER' ONLY AT ASTRO-MAN.COM

A smiling child gives the world hope... A message directly from Lord Mesmo.

In these days of merciless commercial exploitation and crass advertising, how lovely to see an advert that simply features the joy of a smiling child. A sincere, non-rehearsed, spontaneous, outpouring of love with absolutely no hint of being a blatant attempt to cash in on cuteness.

Of course, the other thing that is ad does is prove, once and for all, is the manual dexterity of a four and a half year-old. This is something that we at AMC have been keen to nurture through our overseas development centres and 'family trade' units. Masterminded by my old friend, the Count Oberon de la Greize.

'Old Greasy' as we call him has been our Minister for Children & Child Development for many years and has ensured that many hundreds of children have become valuable money-earning members of their families by helping contribute to the manufacture of products such as our Behemoth servers.

Some people had doubted whether the products we produced would be of a good enough quality because of the age of the staff, well no more... I only need show them this advert to prove their un-coaxed and genuine abilities with fiddly electronic operations.

Anyway, enough of my rambling. Sit back and enjoy this shameless piece of happiness and consumer marketing for what it really is.



READ ALL THE LATEST NEWS DAILY FROM THE 'ILLITERATE AND FRAUDSTER' ONLY AT ASTRO-MAN.COM

Mesmobook pushes ahead with rights plans

After consultation with several human rights organisations last week, Lord Mesmo was delighted to announce that he will be continuing to look to your comfort and safety by pushing ahead with his Mesmobook rights plans.

Under the scintillating new rules of the incredibly popular social networking site, Lord Mesmo now has rights (for security purposes) to all data uploaded, names addresses, credit card details, passwords and the first born of every couple that meet through the site.

Zack Rad-Coffeeshop, the 'Fraudster' Web-tech analyst and developer of Lord Mesmo's rapidly spreading 'Dim-Sum' micro-blogging service, said that the new developments were merely the next logical step in determining the ownership of the soul on the web.

In his influential blog 'Me from my Backpack' he went on to enthuse about the dedication that Mesmobook had to the common good of all people saying "Lord Mesmo has taken it upon himself to protect us from the evil in our midst, so it is only right that we hand over our complete identity and trust to him."

He went to add however that Lord Mesmo hadn't even needed to seek approval and that he already had the powers to claim contributors souls "It's in the terms and conditions you approve before you sign up, just before the part about bequeathing your life savings".

Lord Mesmo is believed to be in Switzerland, where a mountain is being excavated to house his new generation of Behemoth Servers.

READ ALL THE LATEST NEWS DAILY FROM THE 'ILLITERATE AND FRAUDSTER' ONLY AT ASTRO-MAN.COM

Hopes for anti-photography security bill to be extended

There are hopes that sweeping news laws introduced in the United Kingdom last week making it illegal to photograph a member of the Police or Armed Forces, could be extended worldwide and enhanced to cover their fictional counterparts.

The new law, under Section 76 of the counter terrorism act makes it an offence to gather information on the security services and could be used to prevent snooping and malicious journalists from trying to defame and besmirch the reputation of Lord Mesmo's trusted guardians of the peace.

Revealing the plans to a standing ovation at a packed Unity Plaza press conference, Gertrude Creep - head of the AMC's 'Comfort & Safety' program responded that she was "Open" to the idea of the law being extended to cover the filming of detective and police shows adding that "It might mean that I can go get a cup of coffee without hearing people droning on about last nights episode of The Wire".

Studio bosses were unavailable for comment, however it is believed that Miss Creep, Chief Insp. Elleray Bung and Miss T'su are all in negotiations over AMC approval of next season scripts as a stop-gap measure.

All the news from the London Fashion Week - THIS WEEK in 'The Fraudster'.

Who wore what, who sat where, who slighted who, all this week your scintillating 'Fraudster' will be running thousands of lines of coverage and analysing, re-analysing and going deep, deep into the stories behind the stories at the glitziest fashion week in London this week.

Our teams of reporters, staying at the swankiest hotels in London, will be dancing the night away with the stars to bring you the best London Fashion Week stories.

Fashion correspondent Eugenia Museli-Yoga will be in the front row to lay down the new fashion rules, while Polly Important will be on the red carpet to bring you the drama as it unfolds. Cornelia Gushing our Celebrity Fashion correspondent, completes the 'team on the scene' and gives you the low-down on the hits and misses of what the stars were (or weren't) wearing.

Guest Freeloader rounds up the best of the party action while Pommegranate Chelsea and her constant companion Jemima Cheyne-Walk will be getting shitfaced all week to bring you exclusives from behind the red rope of the VIP area.

It's all for you, all this week at 'The Fraudster', the paper that's easily distracted. Read it now at

www.astro-man.com

Entertainment latest from Pomegranate Chelsea, our 'Girl on the Scene'.

Pomegranate Chelsea, daughter of 70's punk icon Sid Chelsea and Model Tarara Chippendale-Bollinger has been dispatched to the Oscars with her best friend and intrepid co-writer, Jemima Cheyne-Walk. Read their outrageous goings-on every week in 'The Fraudster'.

Pomegranate or 'Pomsea' as her friends call her sent us a deliriously excited email from her Blackberry...

"We're so excited to be out here! It's the most excited we've been since a couple of days ago at the Brits and then since a couple of days before that at New York Fashion week, or a couple of days before that at the Emmy's or a couple of days before that at the Grammy's - But we're really excited anyway and we've been working hard on getting stories for you. Well, maybe not actually doing anything like working because we've been too busy blagging designer dresses and getting shitfaced but that's why we're here. All our mates are out here too, the same as they are for everything we go to but then they're fabulous stars and the children of fabulous stars and should be here, while sadly you're not. They all look glam and wonderful on the red carpets while you wouldn't, so they're actually doing you a great service and it's why they're so special and why you love us and adore us even more. Anyway, we're off - Toby Junkie is having a party, so we're off to look good at that. Then we're straight back in First Class for London Fashion Week. You can read all about it later. Laters!

The Illiterate and Fraudster, only at

www.astro-man.com

Brit awards hailed as 'Best yet'

As the dust settles on this years Brit awards, the annual 'romp' for the British music industry has been hailed as the 'Best Brits yet' by industry insiders.

As crowds waited to cheer a succession of soap stars and tabloid celebrities arriving for the free buffet and cocaine give-away, they were amazed to see several musicians and singers turn up.

Music correspondent Buster Bumpengrind said that this was a major factor in making this years Brits so different from previous years, explaining "Having musicians at a music event is a pretty radical step for the Brits",adding "After all, this is a highly prestigious event with resonance as far away as Jersey and the Isle of Man".

With gongs on offer for dozens of categories it was Duffy, from the soul music heartland of Bangor that grabbed the headlines, however it was the people that were the real winners as always, as they voted in their thousands to finally give Girls Aloud the recognition they richly deserve.

A source close to the girls confided in Buster later that evening at their recession-busting party at Claridges, saying that they felt it was only right that their talent had finally been rewarded, especially as they had contributed creatively to several of their songs along the way.

Lord Mesmo was unable to attend the Brits but had sent his driver Private 'Inky' Needles to help out with the after-show 'refreshments'.